Wordless Wednesday: it must be CD1

and it's only Tuesday...

Sometimes you get a break in the game called Hell Life.

Last weekend and Monday were a bummer to say the least.

1. Friends get-together (and I use the word friends lightly) that is packed full of little kids...who's parents don't watch them...at a lake...which leads to me being depressed and having mild panic attacks at the same time. 
2. Follow that by a family get together where AJ's cousin is about to pop...oh did I mention she cries every day because she is having a boy not a girl...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST BE HAPPY YOU CAN HAVE A BABY YOU STUPID B*!CH. (I feel a bit better now). 
3. Add to all this the fact that my science class on Monday was filled with discussion about evolution...he just kept talking about survival of the fittest..."those that can reproduce will be the most successful and continue on". I almost started crying in class. 

Then Monday night AJ calls and says we are going to dinner. OK no biggie, he does that sometimes. The kicker was he told me we were going to the nicest place in town...we're talking big bucks...
AJ got promoted, and with that came a LARGE raise.
Large...Huge...Ginormous even (please channel your inner pink lion...and exit stage left).

We get to move into a bigger house...a better area.
It doesn't matter if I get a "real job"...I can work for me, do what I want to do, work from home.
and best of all, we can afford all the shit crap that comes with infertility.

There's more.
I know right? how can there be more?

I just found out tonight that instead of the 4 semesters I thought I was going to have to take to finish school (did you get that? confusing enough for you?) well I only have 2 more...5classes to take after this semester. Holy Crap I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Even better, my school changed the way things are done and I now get to take Photography2 and Graphic design or Computer Animation...I can't decide which other one to take.


and it's only Tuesday.
Which has me frightened for the rest of the week.

Wordless Wednesday

That's where I've been for a while...pretend land. If you didn't know pretend land borders the land of breakdown. I can feel myself walking on the border and I'm about to go over.

two weeks is a long time

But I don't need to tell you guys that...we are all masters of the 2ww.
This is a different two weeks though. These last two weeks I have been sitting here stubbornly patiently waiting for the Dr.s office to call back and let me in on the progesterone test I took on 7-27.
I have high hopes (please read with heavy sarcasm) that they will still call to fill me in on their own, but lets get real here...I'm the one that is going to have to call.
I'm sorry but this is bull shit.

On another note, I got my craft room together in the past few weeks! It's not decorated yet, but it's totally functional. So I'm at least occupied while I'm waiting for the stupid office to let me know what the heck is going on with my body.

totally not fair

 

If anyone is making babies in my house it should be me.

But isn't he cute?!? There are two of them in there, I'm thinking the other one is in there sleeping...AJ is convinced that it's dead.

Little baby sparrows: please grow up faster and get the hell out of my front door. You may be cute but you poop everywhere and your mom and dad like to swoop at me all the time.  Sincerely Kat.

beauty in the breakdown.

I had a breakdown today.
It started with a small argument with AJ and turned into a screaming match.
It was a bit ridiculous really...stupid shit and two verrrrry stressed out people.
It ended with me uncontrollably crying.
Some personal things lead up to the breakdown, but 99% of it was the bottled up stress of dealing with all this infertility crap and the fact that work for AJ at the moment is about the most stressful thing one could imagine.

The long and short of it is simple.
The one and only thing I have ever wanted to be is a mother.
I have always wanted to be pregnant twice, I don't know why, I just have.
I always thought I would have one by now, started on the second.
I have no one to talk to about all of this, I have a mother and grandmother and aunt who keep saying things like "you will get pregnant when God want's you to be" "just relax" and "well we will be praying for you". My mom is just now catching on to how much that hurts to hear and how unrealistic it is. I over heard her on the phone with my grandma the other day, arguing that it's more than just relaxing.

I still don't know if I'm ok yet.
I still feel like I could bust out in tears again and curl up in a ball.
I just don't know how much more I can handle.

having a hard time fighting the feelings of dispair

These last two weeks have been kinda hard.

And it's all the Dr.'s fault. ( I refuse to call her Dr. Girlfriend anymore)

Two weeks ago I went in for a follow up, I had some questions, things like:

• have we ever checked my testosterone levels? ( I have been gaining more dark hairs on my chin over the last two years.)
• why haven't we checked the amount of prolactin, androgen and thyroid stimulating hormone. My temps are low and I have read that it can be because of thyroid problems (which some in my family suffer from)
• Why the need to take a med to make me ovulate when I always get a +opk?
• Why haven’t I had an ultrasound? or endometrial biopsy to test the uterine lining. To find out if the lining is thick enough for a fertilized embryo to implant.

Before I could even say anything, she started in explaining my HSG...the one I had back in FEBRUARY! yeah I think I have figured it all out by now...thanks.

What she said in response to my questions shocked me.

She said they would do another Progesterone test, and I asked if they could check at least my testosterone at the same time due to the every growing number of dark chin hair...she then told me that the only thing I could do about my facial hair was wax it off...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

She then told me that the Femara was to give my ovulation a good "push". Make sure that everything does what it's supposed to. 

Then she told me to stop temping, because it's adding too much stress to me and  I should just relax.

MY  DR. TOLD ME TO JUST RELAX!!! I almost started crying.

She then acted like that was all and started to get up to leave...

I then half yelled "But why haven't we done an ultrasound to check my lining?"

She sat back down and proceed to tell me that my lining changes during my cycle and will be different on each day, so there is no point.

At that point I gave up, why the hell should I keep asking questions when my Dr. can't even act like she cares whether I get pregnant or not? It has been almost 2 years.

AJ and I have decided that we will keep taking the Femara and then after 3 more months(another 5mg month and then two 7.5mg months) we will be referred to a RE. That will put us at almost the 2year mark of TTC. 

And if when we get pregnant I will not be going back to her.

Isn't your Dr. the one you should be able to go to with all your questions and not make you feel stupid for asking them?

On top of all that, I went back for the blood work this last Wednesday (two days ago) and when the nurse was all done she said "we will have this back tomorrow"...did I get a call yesterday? no. and the office is closed on Fridays so I get to wait until Monday. 

Fabulous!

anyways thanks for listing (or shall I say reading) my rant.

Wordless Wednesday: not so wordless

 If you haven't figured it out...I'm a huge Harry Potter fan. HUGE.

I can't believe it's almost over...I literally choke up thinking about it.

I have been doing this all week

 I watched 1&2 on Monday

3&4 on Tuesday

5&6 today

and tomorrow I'll watch 7 part 1 before the midnight showing.

I think it's safe to say that I will be all sorts of puffy eyed on Friday.

 I'm thinking the only remedy may be these...yet again.

 because:

tiny steps forward ( baby steps...if you will)

I called the doctors office yesterday and ended up making another appointment to sit down and talk with Dr. Girlfriend...I hadn't planned on that.
I just called to see about upping the dose of Femara, (which the nurse told me to go ahead and do, tomorrow I'll take 5mg instead of 2.5mg) and also to ask if there is anything else there is we can do to up our chances. Surprise surprise she said there wasn't. She said they usually do 2.5mg for a few months, 5mg for a few months and then 7.5mg for a few months...if that doesn't work a referral to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist) is the next step.
I got news for them, I'm not waiting another 6 months to wait for the referral.  4 more is my limit. I'll do 2 months of 5 and 2 of 7.5, and I will do no more.  That will put us at (almost) 2 years of TTC, and I'm sorry but I think that's a bit long to wait to see a specialist.
I threw a few more questions at the nurse...things about sonograms and lining and such...and apparently that was just too much for her. She felt that I needed an appointment to hash out my questions with Dr. Girlfriend.
That's fine with me...wait till she sees the list of questions to ask. (I'll give that list it's own post...warning: I have an OBSESSION with lists...)

I'm going to give the acupuncturist in town a call in a min. to see what she charges and if she works with ins. and if she needs a referral to be covered under ins....well I'm not looking forward to the call back to the dr's office for that...seeing as she laughed last time I asked about that.
My other(gay) husband called the other night to let me know he finally got his CD in the mail for fertility massage and I can't wait to try that out too.

I also jumped back on the Tea bandwagon. I'm hopping it will help with CM...considering that Femara has all but wiped out any form of fertile CM I had. Green Tea and Red Raspberry Leaf Tea everyday until I O, and I'm going to try realllllllly hard to remember my vit. every day too.

I'm also jumping back into working out. More for health than anything else, but it can't hurt.
I haven't stepped on a scale since January and then I was 203lbs. I dug my scale out last week, because everyone I knew told me (all in one day) that I looked like I had lost some...Holy Crap! 198lbs that's 5lbs lost!
Want to know how I did it???
I stopped drinking pop. I stopped drinking sweet tea. I cut down the amount of sugar I put in my coffee and tea.
No exercise, and I lost 5lbs! Just think of what it will be like when I do exercise!
I've decided to give my self small goals instead of one big number to try to get to.
For example: we are going to Lake of the Ozarks in late August, I want to drop 10lbs more by then. 10 more for AJ's birthday in late Sept. 15 more for mine in Nov. That all equals out to 35lbs by the time we go see a RE and puts me around 160.
I would love to get back to 120lbs, but I know that's a long battle. I think I would be fine around 140-150 if and when I finally get knocked up. I'm short, a whole whopping 5'2", so getting pregnant at 200lbs is bound to make one look like a weeble wobble.


and wow that was a long post! I should throw in a picture for those of you that made it to the end...

Do you know how hard it was NOT to koala-nap that little guy and bring him home with me?!?! 

I want one so bad!

unwritten law #586

unwritten law #586
The day you start spotting/CD1 is the day you will see at least 3 pregnant people and at least 2 newborns. At least one of each will be "white trash" and cause you instantaneous baby snatching desires.  

since when did CD23=temp drop?

I had to look twice at the thermometer this morning...
from 97.58 to 96.50 at 10dpo (chart is on Charts page)
I should have known, my face looks like a battle zone. I have the hugest zit next to my nose, so big I can feel it when I blink.
 I think I could also eat an entire Asian buffet for lunch and then again for dinner then do it all again tomorrow.
Yeah I thin AF is just around the corner. Which is just in time for the 4th of July pool party! splendid.

Oh by the way Happy Canada Day!
Last year I was in Canada (British Columbia) and LOVING it. Man I could up and move to the Pacific Northwest and not bat an eyelash.

aggressive

It's amazing what one little conversation with another infertile will do to you.
It has set my booty on fire.
It made me realize that Dr Girlfriend is nice, but in no way is she motivated to get me knocked up.
Her Dr. is upping her meds after just a month of trying, mine wants me to wait 6.  Now I'm not saying that meds should be upped after just one month...but waiting 6 is a really long time.

Tomorrow I'm going to talk to my Dr about being more aggressive in this TTC battle, and if she doesn't feel the same way I'm going to find another Dr.
I think I'm also going to call and talk to other OBGYNs in town as well as the acupuncturist in town and see how they handle infertility.

From now on I'm going to be aggressive. I turn 30 this year and damit I WILL be pregnant for my birthday.

I think I'm loosing it

Not in the brain category, or even the sanity...
Hope
It's sad I know, but for the life of me I can't care that we are TTC.
I can't explain it the right way, and that I think is what is bugging me the most.
It's not like I want to take a break TTC, and I guess saying that I can't care isn't true either.

It's like I'm numb.
I think that's why I haven't blogged in a while.
I almost don't want to talk about it, temp or even try anymore.
I don't think my heart can go through much more. I would almost rather take a while off, but AJ is so gung ho about all of it that it's so hard to even think about suggesting it to him.

I just don't know where I stand at the moment.

I guess I'm back in the game

Hello CD1
I'm kinda glad it's here, but man did it suck getting up early to temp again.
We are going to keep up with the Femara and opks, but I'm not going to lie...I'm not back in the TTC mood yet.

I'm planning on filling my summer with workouts, diet and organizing my much needed mess of a house.
My first task is out basement bedroom, or as I like to call it "Dungeon of Chaos" at the moment it's being used as a storage when I'm done it will be a beautiful office/craft room for me. I just need to decide what color to paint it.
I also have to figure out school, apparently because I went to school at the same school 10 years ago and I'm now going back to Financial Aid thinks I have used up too many credits. I can't even get a student loan.
So the decision on continuing or not has to be made soon.

I did find an acupuncturist in town, and I'm going to check if my insurance will cover visits.

It's looking like a busy summer on my end.

Wordless Wednesday: it's a sad happy day

Sucks when you are happy and sad at the same time...
Our friends had a baby this morning. The "only took us 3 months" friends.

I have been on vacation. In more ways than one.
I took the month off. It feels fantastic.
No temping at 6am every morning, no peeing in a cup and coffee every morning! and best of all no Femara.

I however had bronchitis. It was wonderful (please read with thick sarcasm). I managed to stop hacking the day before we left. Flying wile wheezing sucks...especially for someone who has anxiety and hates flying.

Anyway enough about me being sick.
AJ and I did EVERYTHING there was to do in Vegas and LA...we saw so much in CA that I needed a vacation from my vacation. Even though I was sick it was the best vacation.

Fun Fact...
The cave in the above photo is in Rancho Palos Verdes CA. It can also be seen in some of the movies you probably love. Have you seen Pirates of the Caribbean?  You know in the first one when the pirates sail into the cove to kidnap Elizabeth? Yep that cave above is part of that cove!

A Katy Perry Vacation

I'm off in the morning for a vacation

I'm calling it my Katy Perry vacation....
get it?

I'm super exited, I've never been to Vegas before and our friends are getting married while we are there. We are driving out into the desert and I get to be the photographer!
Then it's a week in LA! I said I don't care what we do while we are there, I'm going to San Diego Zoo...and if I can I want to get up to the sequoia trees too.
I hope my camera will survive the trip.

10 day you challenge:day 10

 

The blogger was all effed up so 3days didn't post....stupid blogger. So here you go! you get them all at once!

One picture of yourself:

Four books: and since picking just four would leave you with a list of four Harry Potter books, I'm giving you my four favorite series.

Harry Potter:7,6,3,5,1,4 then 2- I know I'm going to be one big mess come July. I'm not ready for it to all be over.


The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones, City of Ash, City or Glass, City of Fallen Angels /Clockwork Angel-Read them...just read them.

Hunger Games, Catching Fire and Mockingjay

Maze Runner, The Scorch Trials and The Death Cure(to be released Oct 2011)

Do you want more???
Ok I give in, here are more I think you should check out.

I Am Number Four-the book is way better than the movie.
Will Grayson, Will Grayson-sweet little gay boy story...I do love my gay boys.
The Forest of Hands and Teeth, The Dead Tossed Waves and The Dark and Hollow Places.
Wake, Fade and Gone

Oldies but goodies:
Catcher in the Rye
Night
The Great Gatsby
1984

You will notice that I did not include Twilight. I have read it (many times) but after reading it I felt i needed more. I heard about the Mortal Instruments series and then moved on to some other fantastic series...looking back I realize that the Twilight series was not well written and I can't believe that I wasted so many re-reads on that series when I could have been using that time on better books. Team book Edward, Team movie Jacob, but most of all I'm team Jackson...I want to kidnap him and lock him in my basement.

Three films:
The Harry Potter Movies-I don't know how they managed to find actors that are so spot on.

Empire Records

Is a TV series and option??? good!

 Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

so those are the three that somehow got lost. Now back to your regularly scheduled bloggings...well maybe when we get back from vacation.

10 day you challenge:day 9

Two songs:
Bring Him Home -I sang it in high school for 3 years, we were awesome. If you youtube it just picture a 6part choir singing it.

 Never Alone by BarlowGirl- sometimes when people ask me about my faith I just point them to this song...I feel they hit the nail on the head.

should I stay or should I go...

I have been battling with myself the last few days. ok month.
This morning the battle heightened to the stage of making a decision, my temp dropped.( but stayed above my cover-line???)
I need to lose weight, bad. Sometimes I wonder if that is why I haven't gotten pregnant yet.

Should I keep going with the Femara and keep going the way we are now or do we take the summer "off" and I try to knock about 30lbs off and start again in August OR do I stay on Femara and we take it easy with TTC and I still try to lose weight. I've also thought about Weight Watchers, but I'm not sure that I would stick to it...I also don't have the money to do it at the moment.
The second option sounds ideal at the moment since we leave on Tuesday for a 10day vacation to Vegas and LA.
The Femara knocks me down for a week, and I really don't want to be a zombie in Vegas. Then the whole OPK battle and smexing for the next week or so would be so hard to do, we are staying with friends and who wants to really do the no pants dance in another person's bed? not this chick.

Either road we take I still plan on looking into acupuncture. I'm also reading a new book.

 

Here is it's Amazon page.

I've heard some good things, and glanced through it I plan on making it my entertainment on the planes. I hope it helps. If anyone has read it please let me know what you think.

I just don't know which path would be the best to take. It kills me to think of not trying, but I just can't take the extra 60lbs I have on me. 

Guhhh why does this have to be so hard?!?!?

10 day you challenge:day 6

Five foods:

love:
Japanese Teppanyaki- I like the chicken, steak and salmon...and sushi!
Italian-pasta is one of my weaknesses
Mexican
Chineese
Movie theater popcorn

hate:
peas-I don't mind raw ones, but you cook them and I gag.
mushrooms-texture not taist
celery
yellow onions
coconut

That I can make perfectly:
Tomato sause
Shepard's pie
Chicken and noodles
Olive Gardens Zuppa Tuscana (I'm not sure that's how you spell it, but it's their spicy sausage potato soup)

BBQ Chicken

10 day you challenge:day 5

six places:
I'm not sure what this entails so I'm giving you a few lists!

Favorite Vacations:
Hawaii-honeymoon
Alaska-cruise
Canada-cruise and family trip (been there twice!)
Grand Cayman-cruise
New York-visiting family
Seattle-one place I would go back to over and over again.

I want to see before I die:
Ireland
Greece
London
Antarctica
France
Italy

Favorite comfy places:
My grandparents-lazy weekends on the big corner couch with my gram, mom and aunt.
Coffee shops
Book stores-I could just walk around forever and never leave.
A print shop-I love the smell of ink and paper.
Antique stores
In my bed with a book...best place ever!

Where I would move without thinking twice:
Seattle
Portland
Chicago
New York
Madison, WI (they have my favorite beer, and the place is just plain neat)
San Francisco

I wasn't going to do this...

I was trying to not be the whiny person...
but yesterday was hard.

It was my first mother's day as an infertile. It hurt more than I would have thought it could.
It all started the night before. I was at a bachelorette party, and there was this chick there who was pregnant. She of course didn't go out to the bars with us, but later I found out her story.
She and her husband had problems getting pregnant so they decided to foster home with the hopes of adoption. Their hopes came true and they are now in the process of adopting the little one, but in the process they ended up pregnant. That's not the bad part...
I found out she is upset with being pregnant and doesn't even talk to her belly, they say the pregnancy is going to cost them too much money along with an adoption.
My heart hurt so much for that little baby. How awful is it to not talk to your unborn child...hell sometimes when I'm lonely I talk to my future children.

They yesterday came and I was feeling somewhat ok...until I get a text from a number I don't know wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day!!!"
I wanted to scream and punch and cry, but most of all I wanted it to be true.
I then spent the rest of the day fighting not to cry.

Today I'm 11DPO and I really want to pee on something, but I know I can't handle a -hpt today.

10 day you challenge:day 4

seven wants:

1. To go to Europe, namely Ireland.

2. To work from home.

3. A personal organizer to come take care of my mess of a house....scratch that I just want a new bigger house with my own craft room and reading loft!

4. To live without chronic pain. Arthritis and Fibromyalgia suck.

5. To get rid of my acne...my face looks like teenagers.

6. To produce two babies, one of each would be great.

7."I really do want world peace". Couldn't help it. (I hate to admit it but Miss Congeniality wasn't that bad.)

10 day you challenge:day 3

Eight fears

1. Falling. not heights, falling.

2. Driving in the snow or heavy rain...freaks me out when I can't see the road.

3. The dentist. I don't take to novocaine...I can feel everything.

4. Compliments. Strange, I know, but I get all panicky and uncomfortable whenever anyone gives me praise.

5. That infertility will cause me to be a different person.

6. That AJ will leave me for someone: prettier, skinnier, smarter or fertile.

7. That I will never be a mother.

8. That something I did when I was young and stupid caused me to become infertile.


I think fears 5-8 are common in the infertile/ttc world, but that doesn't make them any less of a fear.

10 day you challenge:day 2

Nine loves:

1. Books, I could easily read all day and do nothing else.

2. Yarn, it's something about making a string transform into something warm and beautiful.

3. My brother, I mentioned this in day 1, but he is my best friend and I hate to say this because it sounds kinda odd...I love him more than anybody in my life. I think it has something to do with the fact that we are 10.5 years apart, it's like I have a 19yr old kid sometimes.

4. Photography, I kinda live with a camera attached to my face. I have one on me at all times.

5. Tea. with milk and 1 lump please.

6. Being a Nanny. It's the best job I've ever had. I love C so much.

7. Disney movies...do I really need to explain the awesome that is Disney?!?!

8. Music. Life without music would be a horrible place, if you don't believe me then go for a car ride without any music....

9. Movies. I could live without cable, but never without movies. I love all different kinds.

10 day you challenge:day 1

I found this and figure it would be fun. It also gives everyone a chance to get to know me.


So here goes
Day one: ten secrets.

1. I want to be a professional photographer, but I would totally settle for working for one as an editor.

2. I use to be a size 4 and I don't really care if I never am again, I just want my tummy to be smaller than my boobs.

3. I'm obsessed with late 90's & early 2000's teen movies...I have a weakness for the likes of Freddie Prince Jr. and Ryan Phillippe.

4. I would wear a tutu all the time if I wouldn't get made fun of.

5. I would have at least 5 more tattoos if AJ didn't have a say.

6. I would also have more colorful hair if AJ didn't have a say, I once had purple hair that smelled like grapes!

7. Not to toot my own horn, but I can sing REALLY well. I never perused it because I have the worst stage fright.

8. I wish I would have kept up with dancing, ballet and contemporary to be specific. 

9. I wish I had a sister, don't get me wrong I love my brother more than anything and he's my best friend, but I wish I had the bond that only sisters can share.

10. I constantly feel stupid and less than I should be.

That last one was a hard one to admit, maybe someday I'll explain...

Wordless Wednesday: acupuncture

 

I reallllllllly want to try it, but when I asked Dr. Girlfriend about it she just laughed. 

I'm next to positive that our insurance won't cover it unless she gives us a referral.

bummer

National Infertility Awareness week, bust a myth

It's National Infertility Awareness week...but you knew that.
It's my first, well kinda first. It's my first since I've had a blog and since I've been labeled as infertile.

So to kick off the week I'm busting a myth from resolve.org

Myth: A higher-power is telling you that you should not be a parent.


My mom has told me many times that it will happen for us when God wants it to happen.
My grandmother told that in order to get pregnant AJ and I needed to ask for forgiveness for every past partner we have had. (that was one awkward convo let me tell you!)
Now I believe in God, and I don't want this to turn into a religion battle, but that's just Bull!
AJ and I have been together for 7years and married almost 2. I'm pretty sure that if God didn't want us to have kids than he wouldn't have let us stay together for so long...being two people that are basically, for lack of better word, in love with kids.
Case in point, we spent a solid hour playing outside, in the crappy weather, with 3 little ones this afternoon. If I can't find AJ at a family function all I have to do is find the kids and he's there too.
We are financially ready, we are emotionally ready, in fact we are beyond ready.
There is nothing, besides infertility, standing in the way of us having children.

Want something other than my reasoning...
Then I ask you why a higher power will choose to take an unborn child away form anyone?
What kind of higher power would allow junkies to have all the babies while good people are left with years of pain and suffering with out children?

Again I say BULL!

I hate ignorant people!
I have never in my life told anyone that God/higher power is the reason for their suffering.
I would liken it to telling someone dying of cancer that God/higher power just didn't think they should live.
It's wrong.


ok crazy lady rambling over.


go to http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 and bust your own, it's kinda fun to get so pissed off about something!

Happy Zombie Jesus Day

It's OK I went to Catholic School for 12+ years...I'm going to Hell anyways.
Enjoy your Easter!

Femara round 2

It's hard to say if round two was better or not.
On one hand I didn't puke my socks up, but I did feel like I could at any moment.

I noticed that I was fighting a stronger emotional battle, and man was it rough waters...I wasn't sure my boat was going to stay afloat. I snapped at so many people. Most of them didn't know what I was going through so it was hard to apologize.
All I can keep thinking is "if this round doesn't work  they are going to want to up the dosage"...I don't know if I can handle that, emotionally or physically.  I'm so tired.

I also have a heaviness in my chest. I feel like I can't get a good inhale.
For a claustrophobic person...that's not good. I keep fighting off anxiety attacks. All the while trying to seem like I'm not.

All week I keep telling myself that if we don't get pregnant this cycle that it's ok, I'll be able to have fun in Vegas next month, it's what I told myself before we went to New Orleans in November...the sad part was that the whole time I was drinking on Bourbon St all I could think was that I would rather be pregnant...and  I'm not really a drinker.

Maybe it's just day 5 of Femara and I'm weepy....
but today was the first time I've wanted to cuss infertility out.
I want to scream and cry and punch.
I need a punching bag, with a duct tape label "infertility"

Wordless Wednesday: hell on wheels

 

Tonight I'm going to shoot video and take pictures of the local roller derby girls....

I know I'm totally going to want to join, and that could be bad...really bad.

Mom to the rescue!

I love my mom.
She is coming to my rescue on Friday by boiling all the eggs (for the 2dozen deviled eggs I have to make for AJ's family Easter dinner) and then she's going to come over and spend the afternoon helping me make them and putting things together for the craft show.
Sometimes she drives me coo coo, but then again sometimes she does things that totally redeems her annoying factor.

I'm almost done with the blog/website for the business...when I do I'll link you to it.  That way you can see what (besides school) has been keeping me from blogging like I want.

all over again

I feel like I'm back at the beginning of the whole TTC shit storm.

Femara round 1 = FAIL (FU-AF)
Femara round 2 starts today...I'm already a zombie.

This year I feel lucky to have great blogs/friends to read and find comfort in. It makes me feel like I'm not so alone.
Still I can't help but feel like I'm starting all over again.

I'm highly stressed this month too, which is a bag full of fun right there.
It's the end of the semester, so I have 3 major projects to do...one of witch I have a partner...a partner who is leaving the state Tuesday and returning Saturday. It's a video project and the only time the videos can be filmed is...you guessed it...next week.  I came up with the topic...it's my camera shooting the whole thing, and while I'm tooting my own horn, I'm going to be the one with the mad editing skills. Looks like I'm flying solo on that one! Woo Freekin Hoo.

And then there is the craft show. I had to sign up...it was FREE. You can't wave anything FREE in front of my face without me giving in...I'm a sucker. I know it.

Let's not even get started on Easter.  AJ's family is way prepared. I was emailed a month in advance about dinner plans and asked to bring something.  His mom's family never changes....it's a holiday, we have dinner at 4:30...be there or be an L7 weenie.
My family???? ya I still have no clue what we are doing.

Can I just skip ahead a month....I'll be in Vegas in a month ( LA too!!!).

Wordless Wednesday: I'm dying.

My voice is gone. I feel like someone took out my vocal cords and played with them...and not nice smooth violin playing...I'm talking Devil Went Down to Georgia.
My sinus are so packed and I'm coughing so HARD.
The worst part/best part is that I'm days away from CD1...or if the Femara worked...knocked up, so I don't want to take anything in fear that I could hinder any little nuggets from sticking.

Good news is that I'm on CD26 and my temp is still above my cover line!

It's been a long week...

Family was in state from far away and for 5 nights I spent the entire evening and most of the day with a 3month old nicely placed in the crook of my arm. Sadly it took until last night for my 2 year old nephew to completely warm up to AJ and I...I wish we could have more time with them.
I'm going through baby arm withdraw. I need to find someone with a baby I can hold....or keep.
Today it's back to reality
And to top off this crazy week..I have a sinus infection!
I woke up with a fever. My ears are so plugged up i can't hear a freaking thing. My lip is split because I'm sleeping with my mouth open, and best of all my sinus' are so packed that I feel like my head is going to snap off and roll away.
In short, I'm sleepy, warn out, sick and I have so so sooo much to do.

I think I might be crazypants

I signed myself up for a craft show.
Now I feel like there is no way I will be ready in time! It's April 30th! That's only 26 days away!!!

I have SOOOOOO much to do!

Thanks for reading my freak out...
=0)

Wordless Wednesday: not so wordless...aka baby bear

 

so AJ and I were out shopping for our nephew's birthday this past weekend.

While I was looking for cute little boy t-shirts, AJ comes over telling me that I need to come and see what he found.

Low and behold there stood my husband holding the smallest, cutest little brown snow suit...

with bear ears!

and little paws on the hands and feet!

I died.

died of cute.

the best part? (ya it gets better than the paws)

it was only $5!

since then AJ has been asking me when we are going to make a little baby bear.

He's so excited

I hope for his sake the Femara works this month.

Femara day four

I puked...
for the first time in like 6 years (I'm not kidding, it's been 6 years)

Totally sucks, but I'm so glad I didn't go to class tonight.

By the way...I completely blame AJ. I told him I couldn't handle the Mexican he mad me eat for dinner.

Wordless Wednesday: totally zoned out