it was pms...I should have known.

I woke up this morning and without being fully awake grabbed my pee cup and headed into the bathroom....
the pee cup got thrown across the bathroom (empty, don't worry)

I called the Dr.'s office, talked to the nurse, scheduled a sit down with Dr. H (the RE) for Monday afternoon.

I want to cry
I need to cry
I can't cry...I just don't have it in me.

I'm frightened about IVF.
I want to spend the next 3 days researching as much as I can, but I don't know where to start.
I think I'll start with the books I have...
After I go get a cheese burger and stop at the store for ice cream.

A bad weekend and a fill in the blanks

This last weekend was a hard one.
AJ made plans to go out with friends to the local bar crawl...I didn't go because 1. I hate bars 2. I can't drink 3. I wasn't going to be the ONLY person there not drinking, that's not fun for me.
This made me feel so left out and when I talked to him about it he didn't care or change his plans to accommodate me. He then came home SHIT CANNED.
Enter a very sad and pissed off me.
That was Saturday.
Sunday I had a bridal shower for one of AJ's cousins. Figured that seeing as it's a bridal shower I would be safe...NOPE.
Newborns. Twins. Girls.
No matter where I was in the room I had one by me and one in sight.
I get home to a verrrry hung over husband, who I'm still very pissed at...= shitty Sunday.

Top all that with the fact that I'm in pain from this stupid cyst. ALL. THE. TIME.
I can't bend in half, I can't stand all the way up.  It's fantastic.
Dr. said there is nothing to be done about it. Woo Hoo.


 -----------------------------------------------------------------


I stole this from a blanket to keep. Seemed like fun. I need some fun in my life.

If I was a month, I’d be Late October.
If I was a day of the week, I’d be Thursday.
If I was a time of day, I’d be 11pm.
If I was a planet, I’d be Neptune.

If I was a sea animal, I’d be a Sea Turtle.
If I was a direction, I'd be East.
If I was a piece of furniture, I'd be a Swing (front porch swing).
If I was a liquid, I’d be Honey.
If I was a gemstone, I’d be Lace Agate.
If I was a tree, I’d be a Willow.
If I was a tool, I’d be a Sonic Screwdriver (nerd!).
If I was a flower, I’d be a Dandelion.

If I was a type of weather, I’d be a Thunderstorm.
If I was a musical instrument, I’d be Saxophone.
If I was a color, I’d be Eggplant.
If I was an emotion, I’d be Anxiousness.
If I was a fruit, I’d be an Pear.
If I was a sound, I’d be Rain on the Roof.

If I was an element, I’d be Wind.
If I was a car, I’d be a Jeep.
If I was a food I would be Mashed Potatoes.
If I was a place, I’d be a Movie Theater.

If I was a material, I'd be Yoga.
If I was a taste, I'd be Sweet.
If I was a scent, I’d be Eucalyptus.

Anyone want my Easter gift???

Went in this afternoon for my baseline ultrasound only to hear "take the month off"

Seems I have more than just leftover ham.

A 15cm leftover on my left side. Wonder if that's what's causing the pain in my left hip???
Dr said it happens about 30% of the time.
Figures.

So now we are having a forced month off. To top that off if things don't fall just right we will have to take May off too.  We booked a vacation mid May, knowing that we may have to just take that month off...but by then we might have needed a break.
The good part is I don't have to make the hr trip next month for a baseline, just call on CD1 and they will order more meds for me.

I just feel like I'm in tar...stuck and unable to move forward.

On a side note I had a FANTASTIC Easter.  Ended up hosting a brunch yesterday for 14 people and loved every minuet of it.

Somehow I just knew.

Somewhere deep down I knew this first IUI wouldn't work.
I woke up at 5:30 with killer cramps and Aunt Flow was there to say good morning with full gusto.
I called my mom and then my RE. I'm going in for my baseline Monday afternoon (I can't skip my morning class).
I can't bring myself to tell AJ.
He called yesterday on his lunch just to see what the pee stick said...he sounded so disappointed when I told him it was negative. He even asked if I was joking, telling him it was negative just to tell him it was positive when he gets home. I don't know if I can handle his face when I tell him we have to go through another IUI.
People weren't kidding when they said this IUI shit is emotional. I couldn't help but get all misty eyed on the drive to work this morning...to Drive by Incubus! Then again just moments ago reading another blog post. (I love Nat the Fat Rat, she posted yesterday about her struggles)
The strange part was that I didn't cry this morning when I started. I just went back to bed.
I did however dream about me crying...and I mean crying. Balling and inconsolable. When my alarm went off and I got up for the day hit snooze I had a tear rolling down my face. 
Why can't the good dreams come true? Not the ones about nothing but crying and pain.

I feel I need a girls day, filled with painting toes, eating chocolate cake and chick flicks...but I only want it with people who understand...other infertility fighters. The ones who say "I know how you feel" and really do.
I think I may just get a chocolate cake for myself anyways.

Kat and the horrible, no good weekend.

I never read those books as a kid, but the title can easily be applied to my weekend.

AJ was in a fraternity in college and this year it turns 100...woot. So they had a big formal dinner shindig think up in the big city.
I dug out my spanks, my one nice dress and the heals I NEVER wear and away we went on the 3hr car ride to the city.  It was a nice ride, Peeta and Katniss kept me company. (I'm re-reading while I wait for the cash-flow to allow me to see it on the big screen)
So we get up there and it's FREEZING.
we were not prepared for temps that low, but we still made the few block trek to AJ's favorite German restaurant. TOTALLY totally worth it, best food I have had in my belly in a long time.
We went back and took a "nap"...and I only use quotes because AJ napped...I on the other hand can't nap unless I'm bad sick.

I feel the need to fill you in on the room....one word...Lions.
The suckers were EVERYWHERE. carpet. pens. paper....the usual...oh no there's more. The wallpaper was covered and the curtains matched the wallpaper, down to the texture design of the wallpaper! and it doesn't stop there! they were on the sheets and the soap and the towels and best of all was the shower curtain! part of me was thinking these 5,692,774,928 lions were going to spring free of their fabric holds and eat me in the night.

anyways back to the weekend.
We get ready and walk to a bar a few blocks over (me freezing because I forgot a sweater/jacket) to have a few drinks with some of AJ's college friends.
In the group I'm one of three women. One just birthed her second child, and continues to talk the entire hour we are there about it. The other, within 2min of arriving announces she is pregnant.
All I keep thinking is how I can't cry in front of these people who have maybe met me once or twice before.
When we finally got back to the hotel for dinner I mad sure to distance myself from them, sitting at the other end of the table.
The diner wasn't that bad, my salmon was actually really really good. Although the desert made me want to jab myself with my fork. 2hrs of speeches, boring speeches.  On top of that they serve German chocolate cake...my favorite...but covered in the usual frosting...I'm allergic to coconut.

After we were let free AJ and I went over to congratulate his friend on a recent engagement...big mistake.
Seems people we paying attention to the fact that I wasn't drinking.
Everyone thinks I'm pregnant and keeps asking me.
Stupid Metformin!!!

I spent the remaining 2hrs cornered by the above fiance, I have meet her once before, she was wasted and kept talking about how I just need to relax and how maybe I have just been trying too hard.
I tried to explain, firs nice and then after about an hour and half I finally started getting defensive. Finally I had to tell her I needed to go to the room to take something for my headache. The headache was not a lie.
I found AJ and we finally went up to the room about midnight.

Finally sleep!
hahhahaha

The room next door decides that 1am is the perfect time for a house/dance party.
I quickly became the old lady who calls the front desk and has security sent to their room.

Even after that set back I couldn't get to sleep until somewhere around 2am.
The next morning we got up and went to lunch...where I finally got the chocolate cake I deserved. It was delicious. 

Getting home never felt so good.



Oh just so you know Math won the battle...I dropped the class today.  I'm kinda relieved, even though it means that if I want to graduate with a degree instead of a certificate I will need to take another math class. Oh well hopefully by then I'll have a baby and I can use their cute little toes to help me count if I need it.

even math wants to rub infertility in my face

just thought I would share my current math question with you...this online class will be the death of me one way or another!

To the right are the outcomes that are possible when a couple has three children. Refer to that list and find the probability of each event.

I'll tell you, MATH, what my probability of having a child is and you let me pass this class...do we have a deal math??? 0...that's my probability so far math...

It also happens to be the number of lost passports I have found. (number of lost passports-1... mine)

in conclusion: FML today can go to HELL.


edited to add:  out of 14 questions, 50% of them were about people having kids....if this shit didn't need to be done today, I would totally say F-it.

Wordless Wednesday: it's a sad happy day

Sucks when you are happy and sad at the same time...
Our friends had a baby this morning. The "only took us 3 months" friends.

I wasn't going to do this...

I was trying to not be the whiny person...
but yesterday was hard.

It was my first mother's day as an infertile. It hurt more than I would have thought it could.
It all started the night before. I was at a bachelorette party, and there was this chick there who was pregnant. She of course didn't go out to the bars with us, but later I found out her story.
She and her husband had problems getting pregnant so they decided to foster home with the hopes of adoption. Their hopes came true and they are now in the process of adopting the little one, but in the process they ended up pregnant. That's not the bad part...
I found out she is upset with being pregnant and doesn't even talk to her belly, they say the pregnancy is going to cost them too much money along with an adoption.
My heart hurt so much for that little baby. How awful is it to not talk to your unborn child...hell sometimes when I'm lonely I talk to my future children.

They yesterday came and I was feeling somewhat ok...until I get a text from a number I don't know wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day!!!"
I wanted to scream and punch and cry, but most of all I wanted it to be true.
I then spent the rest of the day fighting not to cry.

Today I'm 11DPO and I really want to pee on something, but I know I can't handle a -hpt today.

all over again

I feel like I'm back at the beginning of the whole TTC shit storm.

Femara round 1 = FAIL (FU-AF)
Femara round 2 starts today...I'm already a zombie.

This year I feel lucky to have great blogs/friends to read and find comfort in. It makes me feel like I'm not so alone.
Still I can't help but feel like I'm starting all over again.

I'm highly stressed this month too, which is a bag full of fun right there.
It's the end of the semester, so I have 3 major projects to do...one of witch I have a partner...a partner who is leaving the state Tuesday and returning Saturday. It's a video project and the only time the videos can be filmed is...you guessed it...next week.  I came up with the topic...it's my camera shooting the whole thing, and while I'm tooting my own horn, I'm going to be the one with the mad editing skills. Looks like I'm flying solo on that one! Woo Freekin Hoo.

And then there is the craft show. I had to sign up...it was FREE. You can't wave anything FREE in front of my face without me giving in...I'm a sucker. I know it.

Let's not even get started on Easter.  AJ's family is way prepared. I was emailed a month in advance about dinner plans and asked to bring something.  His mom's family never changes....it's a holiday, we have dinner at 4:30...be there or be an L7 weenie.
My family???? ya I still have no clue what we are doing.

Can I just skip ahead a month....I'll be in Vegas in a month ( LA too!!!).

It's been a long week...

Family was in state from far away and for 5 nights I spent the entire evening and most of the day with a 3month old nicely placed in the crook of my arm. Sadly it took until last night for my 2 year old nephew to completely warm up to AJ and I...I wish we could have more time with them.
I'm going through baby arm withdraw. I need to find someone with a baby I can hold....or keep.
Today it's back to reality
And to top off this crazy week..I have a sinus infection!
I woke up with a fever. My ears are so plugged up i can't hear a freaking thing. My lip is split because I'm sleeping with my mouth open, and best of all my sinus' are so packed that I feel like my head is going to snap off and roll away.
In short, I'm sleepy, warn out, sick and I have so so sooo much to do.

Femara day four

I puked...
for the first time in like 6 years (I'm not kidding, it's been 6 years)

Totally sucks, but I'm so glad I didn't go to class tonight.

By the way...I completely blame AJ. I told him I couldn't handle the Mexican he mad me eat for dinner.

Femara day one

I've had 3 full caffeinated drinks today...and I don't ever have a full calf anything without becoming a bunny on a jackhammer. After all 3 drinks I felt like I had also downed a handful of sleeping pills. 
Tired...so so tired.
I probably shouldn't have drove.
I'm also so spaced out to the max. Like I'm sitting here but my mind is out on Jupiter or something.
And let's talk about the emotions, the ones that come out of nowhere?!?!
I watched a short clip from the movie Lion King today and balled...it wasn't a sad clip.
I had a headache all day, with what I would call intense flashes. Like a my noggin was going to pop off and roll around on the floor while red and yellow fire crackers spin from my eyes...ya it's graphic, but that's what it felt like. The worst one happened to shine it's ugly head during a 55 question test...it let me get all the way through the multiple choice and then showed it nasty self during the written.
By 8pm I figured I was in the clear, that the fatigue, emotions and headache were all I was going to get stuck with today....
And then on my drive home from class came the heartburn. The kind where you could breathe fire.

I'm so not looking forward to the next 4 days.
But if it gets me a baby or two...

and so it begins

I guess I'm really in this battle with infertility now, seeing as I get to down a little yellow pill (Femara) tomorrow morning (and for the next 4 days).
CD1 and AF showed with full force on Sat. and we took a trip to the pharmacy.
I then proceeded to tell the 5 little yellow pills that they would not under any circumstance were they going to put me through any of the side effects...all of which I already have. I just can't deal with more muscle pain, headaches, upset stomachs, the poops, hot flashes, increased appetite and weight gain (to name a few).
Up until now I kept telling myself that we could do this naturally...
Guess I was lying to myself.

And I'm kinda ok if we get stuck with twins (there's a high rate of multiples),it just means we don't have to go through this crap again.

feeling clueless.

This isn't about the movie, but I have to say I do love it.
This is about me feeling all sorts of un-knowledged.

I just feel clueless when it comes to this whole ball of infertility.
I feel like I know nothing.
I feel like I need to know why more than I do.

I mean I know how to chart, I should I've been doing it for a good year now. But checking my cervical position has been lost on me...I can never tell, so I gave up.
I read Taking Charge of Your Fertility, it gave me the knowledge on charting and that's about it.

Everytime I read another blog I find something new I know nothing about...most of them have acronyms I've never seen before.

I'm going through this and I feel like a blind person walking in a museum.

How am I supposed to go out and find information if I don't know what I'm looking for?

I've expressed this to Dr. Girlfriend, and have gotten nowhere with it. (she's a great Dr., but she's not the best on giving out information.)
I like her as my Dr. so I don't want to change to another, but I need more knowledge of what's happening with my body.
A while ago (about 4 months) AF just changed, went from (what I would call normal) 4-5 days of bright red/med-heavy flow that began and ended with maybe a day of spotting to spotting for a day then a day or 2 of light red flow followed by 3-4 days of brown.
At my last annual, the nurse asked if everything was ok, and I told her about the AF change...her reply was "well maybe this is your new normal". Dr. Girlfriend said it shouldn't be a problem in my getting pregnant.

I just feel like "maybe this is your new normal" was a crap answer. I don't think someone's body makes a change like that and it's normal/ok. And Google has not been a big help.

I guess what I'm rambling on about is that I just feel like I should know way more than I do, it seems like everyone else does.

HSG: A.K.A painful test from HELL

My ute hate me.
Want to know how I know???
I made it go through an HSG...
I know what you are thinking, Kat it takes like 5min to do that thing, and yes it causes cramping, but how is this causing the ute to hate you?
Well when your cervix doesn't want to cooperate with the whole procedure, and it takes a whopping 30+ min to do a 5min test....it makes your ute angry.
It really makes it reallllllllllllly angry when the radiologist has to resort to jamming a needle into it 4 times then grab it with a clamp and pull it on out there to then jam a long tube up there, but oh wait that's not all...add in a balloon and some dye and you get yourself a big old angry ute.

so i made myself a mimosa and a bag of rolos (ya know...breakfast of champions!)  and I'm in my most comfy yoga pants and tshirt, and best of all....Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

Good news though, I have no blockages! BUT the uterus does tip to the left, a lot.  But that can be little to no problem, or it could be the reason it's taken so long. Guess we'll find out when Dr. Girlfriend calls.

Invasion of the Mommies...

We were invited over to a friends house last night.
We thought it was just going to be Dude and his new/old girlfriend.(they dated before and are now dating again)
We get there and there are not one but 3 other cars in the driveway.
AJ goes "oh I think that's C's car" (C being the one from the Christmas card baby announcement) and all I can think is ohhh here we go again.
Low and behold not only the new baby on the way family there, but another family. This other family has 3 kids...lets call them the fertile family.
Well the old/new girlfriend also has a kid...and it didn't take but an hour for her to ask me when we were going to have kids. I quietly and quickly explained that we have been working on it for a little over a year and that we were now going through all the testing process. And God love her she replied with "well I'll be praying hard for you".
I almost started crying, because someone who doesn't even know me had said something so nice and sweet. She offered to help us the only way she knew how, and then she looks at me and smiles and tells me she knows we will be amazing parents.  I wanted to hug her. I'm so glad she's back in our lives.
Now let's talk about little Mrs. Fertile. Sitting there with little #3 on her lap as #1&#2 run around with the other family's #1.
I felt like I was the ugly duck and black sheep all warped up in one.
I don't even want to talk about how tiny and cute these chicks are...even the pregnant one in her puffy vest was ittly bitty and cute. And there I sit 200+lbs and covered in zits...(thanks for the zits hormones!)

The kicker to the whole evening was when AJ jokingly asked the Dad in the fertile family if there were anymore babies in there (while pointing at his junk). Him and his wife laughed and then stated that they were going to keep at it until they get a girl (the 3 they have are boys). And here comes the good part...they start talking about how easy it was to get pregnant....
Then Mrs. Fertile goes "oh it took a long time to get pregnant with #2, it took us what honey? 3 months?"
OH DEAR GOD NOT WITH THE THREE MONTHS AGAIN!!!!
Someone shoot me, or pinch me...I must be dreaming. Did she just say 3 months in reference to a long period of time?
Excuse me while I run and smack her, take her baby and run away yelling "mine mine mine"

At least I did get some gratification.
The pregnant chick kept talking about how she was badly craving a martini and some sushi...I gladly told everyone about the amazing martini I had at diner that tasted just like I bit into a juicy pear, and how I had a sushi date for Monday...
Sometimes it the little things in life that make me happy...

On the drive home AJ (almost in tears) told me how one of the little ones came up to him when we got there and just looked up and smiled. All that he could think was how awesome it would be to have that be our kid looking at him like that.
That conversation about killed me. But at the same time I felt relieved because now AJ has a gimps of what I feel every time we are around people with kids.

Wow this was wordy! I swear I'm going to start rewarding people when the read all the shit I type!
Since I typed a book today I'll wait to tell you guys the whole HSG fiasco.

It's most likely not me...and I tipped that scale.

I had my annual appointment yesterday, and got back my progesterone results. Seems all is good in that area too.  She said that with the good results my overies should be working just fine, and that if AJ get's a good report form the Uro/IF specialist than we will move on to the HSG. 
That wasn't the info that had me in tears all the way home though.

It seems that I have let myself get above 200lbs. Granted it's only 3lbs over (and I'm ok with you guys knowing my poundage seeing as you don't really know me) but it was my breaking point. I came home and looked up the carb amounts in almost everything. Starting next week (because I already have the grocery for this week) I will be eating way less carbs.
I'm also going to start using the elliptical that lives in my basement, I think 3 days a week is a good number to start off with. Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I don't have to be anywhere until 10 on those days...Tuesday and Thursday I have to be somewhere by 7:30 and who wants to get up at 5am just to work out. Plus I know me...I won't do it.
I'm setting myself a goal of 10lbs by the end of February, it's a healthy 2lbs a week and also not to outrageously high that I'll be let down.
I think it will be easier if I make small changes at first, bib-lettuce when I would use bread for sandwiches, eggs whites instead of oatmeal for breakfast and smoothies for the afternoon when I get the most hungry. Dinners are going to be the hardest, considering that AJ and I are verrrry picky eaters...and not about the same things.   Dinners kinda scare me...I know meat and potatoes. We have some form of that every night. Guess I'm going to spend the rest of this week looking up low carb dinners...when I'm not doing homework (which is what I have to do now).

Fears and Emotions

I'm scared, and I feel like a failure.
We had the "one year of trying and failure" appointment today.  AJ (that's the husband by the way) was embarrassed that he had to sit there and listen to all the "girly" crap, as he put it...he also told me that the room smelled like "a hooha".
I feel like I was put on this planet to be a mother, I always have.  So when a year has passed and still no baby I sit here and have all these conflicting emotions.
But most of all I'm scared, well frightened actually, to get the results of the SA that was turned in today. For AJ and for what it might mean for this journey we are on. I love my husband and in no way want him to feel any less of a man.
Most of all I am very frightened for the HSG that Dr. Girlfriend wants me to do at the beginning of the next cycle. All I can hope is that we get pregnant and I don't have to do it....Don't know what an HSG is? Well let me tell you. It's painful...very. My ute is at the moment in pain just thinking about it.
(want to really know what it is? I'll let WebMD. tell you because I'm not good with all the medical mumbojumbo.)
On top of all this I have to go in for another blood test one week after a +OPK to check my Progesterone. AND she wants me to take Femara next cycle too.
I came home today feeling way overloaded.  Overloaded with emotions and fear. But I would rather know than not know, and be able to move on and hopefully closer to having a baby.

Wordless Wednesday: CD1 makes me feel like...

well this sucks

 

Looks like Santa didn't bring us what we asked for after all.

I also woke up with a sore throat.

It's also the birthday of a friend that passed away a little over a year ago.

Long story short TODAY SUCKS!

Looks like we are moving on to a SA...