Sunday, July 31, 2011

beauty in the breakdown.

I had a breakdown today.
It started with a small argument with AJ and turned into a screaming match.
It was a bit ridiculous really...stupid shit and two verrrrry stressed out people.
It ended with me uncontrollably crying.
Some personal things lead up to the breakdown, but 99% of it was the bottled up stress of dealing with all this infertility crap and the fact that work for AJ at the moment is about the most stressful thing one could imagine.

The long and short of it is simple.
The one and only thing I have ever wanted to be is a mother.
I have always wanted to be pregnant twice, I don't know why, I just have.
I always thought I would have one by now, started on the second.
I have no one to talk to about all of this, I have a mother and grandmother and aunt who keep saying things like "you will get pregnant when God want's you to be" "just relax" and "well we will be praying for you". My mom is just now catching on to how much that hurts to hear and how unrealistic it is. I over heard her on the phone with my grandma the other day, arguing that it's more than just relaxing.

I still don't know if I'm ok yet.
I still feel like I could bust out in tears again and curl up in a ball.
I just don't know how much more I can handle.

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