tiny steps forward ( baby steps...if you will)

I called the doctors office yesterday and ended up making another appointment to sit down and talk with Dr. Girlfriend...I hadn't planned on that.
I just called to see about upping the dose of Femara, (which the nurse told me to go ahead and do, tomorrow I'll take 5mg instead of 2.5mg) and also to ask if there is anything else there is we can do to up our chances. Surprise surprise she said there wasn't. She said they usually do 2.5mg for a few months, 5mg for a few months and then 7.5mg for a few months...if that doesn't work a referral to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist) is the next step.
I got news for them, I'm not waiting another 6 months to wait for the referral.  4 more is my limit. I'll do 2 months of 5 and 2 of 7.5, and I will do no more.  That will put us at (almost) 2 years of TTC, and I'm sorry but I think that's a bit long to wait to see a specialist.
I threw a few more questions at the nurse...things about sonograms and lining and such...and apparently that was just too much for her. She felt that I needed an appointment to hash out my questions with Dr. Girlfriend.
That's fine with me...wait till she sees the list of questions to ask. (I'll give that list it's own post...warning: I have an OBSESSION with lists...)

I'm going to give the acupuncturist in town a call in a min. to see what she charges and if she works with ins. and if she needs a referral to be covered under ins....well I'm not looking forward to the call back to the dr's office for that...seeing as she laughed last time I asked about that.
My other(gay) husband called the other night to let me know he finally got his CD in the mail for fertility massage and I can't wait to try that out too.

I also jumped back on the Tea bandwagon. I'm hopping it will help with CM...considering that Femara has all but wiped out any form of fertile CM I had. Green Tea and Red Raspberry Leaf Tea everyday until I O, and I'm going to try realllllllly hard to remember my vit. every day too.

I'm also jumping back into working out. More for health than anything else, but it can't hurt.
I haven't stepped on a scale since January and then I was 203lbs. I dug my scale out last week, because everyone I knew told me (all in one day) that I looked like I had lost some...Holy Crap! 198lbs that's 5lbs lost!
Want to know how I did it???
I stopped drinking pop. I stopped drinking sweet tea. I cut down the amount of sugar I put in my coffee and tea.
No exercise, and I lost 5lbs! Just think of what it will be like when I do exercise!
I've decided to give my self small goals instead of one big number to try to get to.
For example: we are going to Lake of the Ozarks in late August, I want to drop 10lbs more by then. 10 more for AJ's birthday in late Sept. 15 more for mine in Nov. That all equals out to 35lbs by the time we go see a RE and puts me around 160.
I would love to get back to 120lbs, but I know that's a long battle. I think I would be fine around 140-150 if and when I finally get knocked up. I'm short, a whole whopping 5'2", so getting pregnant at 200lbs is bound to make one look like a weeble wobble.


and wow that was a long post! I should throw in a picture for those of you that made it to the end...

Do you know how hard it was NOT to koala-nap that little guy and bring him home with me?!?! 

I want one so bad!

should I stay or should I go...

I have been battling with myself the last few days. ok month.
This morning the battle heightened to the stage of making a decision, my temp dropped.( but stayed above my cover-line???)
I need to lose weight, bad. Sometimes I wonder if that is why I haven't gotten pregnant yet.

Should I keep going with the Femara and keep going the way we are now or do we take the summer "off" and I try to knock about 30lbs off and start again in August OR do I stay on Femara and we take it easy with TTC and I still try to lose weight. I've also thought about Weight Watchers, but I'm not sure that I would stick to it...I also don't have the money to do it at the moment.
The second option sounds ideal at the moment since we leave on Tuesday for a 10day vacation to Vegas and LA.
The Femara knocks me down for a week, and I really don't want to be a zombie in Vegas. Then the whole OPK battle and smexing for the next week or so would be so hard to do, we are staying with friends and who wants to really do the no pants dance in another person's bed? not this chick.

Either road we take I still plan on looking into acupuncture. I'm also reading a new book.

 

Here is it's Amazon page.

I've heard some good things, and glanced through it I plan on making it my entertainment on the planes. I hope it helps. If anyone has read it please let me know what you think.

I just don't know which path would be the best to take. It kills me to think of not trying, but I just can't take the extra 60lbs I have on me. 

Guhhh why does this have to be so hard?!?!?

Femara round 2

It's hard to say if round two was better or not.
On one hand I didn't puke my socks up, but I did feel like I could at any moment.

I noticed that I was fighting a stronger emotional battle, and man was it rough waters...I wasn't sure my boat was going to stay afloat. I snapped at so many people. Most of them didn't know what I was going through so it was hard to apologize.
All I can keep thinking is "if this round doesn't work  they are going to want to up the dosage"...I don't know if I can handle that, emotionally or physically.  I'm so tired.

I also have a heaviness in my chest. I feel like I can't get a good inhale.
For a claustrophobic person...that's not good. I keep fighting off anxiety attacks. All the while trying to seem like I'm not.

All week I keep telling myself that if we don't get pregnant this cycle that it's ok, I'll be able to have fun in Vegas next month, it's what I told myself before we went to New Orleans in November...the sad part was that the whole time I was drinking on Bourbon St all I could think was that I would rather be pregnant...and  I'm not really a drinker.

Maybe it's just day 5 of Femara and I'm weepy....
but today was the first time I've wanted to cuss infertility out.
I want to scream and cry and punch.
I need a punching bag, with a duct tape label "infertility"

all over again

I feel like I'm back at the beginning of the whole TTC shit storm.

Femara round 1 = FAIL (FU-AF)
Femara round 2 starts today...I'm already a zombie.

This year I feel lucky to have great blogs/friends to read and find comfort in. It makes me feel like I'm not so alone.
Still I can't help but feel like I'm starting all over again.

I'm highly stressed this month too, which is a bag full of fun right there.
It's the end of the semester, so I have 3 major projects to do...one of witch I have a partner...a partner who is leaving the state Tuesday and returning Saturday. It's a video project and the only time the videos can be filmed is...you guessed it...next week.  I came up with the topic...it's my camera shooting the whole thing, and while I'm tooting my own horn, I'm going to be the one with the mad editing skills. Looks like I'm flying solo on that one! Woo Freekin Hoo.

And then there is the craft show. I had to sign up...it was FREE. You can't wave anything FREE in front of my face without me giving in...I'm a sucker. I know it.

Let's not even get started on Easter.  AJ's family is way prepared. I was emailed a month in advance about dinner plans and asked to bring something.  His mom's family never changes....it's a holiday, we have dinner at 4:30...be there or be an L7 weenie.
My family???? ya I still have no clue what we are doing.

Can I just skip ahead a month....I'll be in Vegas in a month ( LA too!!!).

Femara day four

I puked...
for the first time in like 6 years (I'm not kidding, it's been 6 years)

Totally sucks, but I'm so glad I didn't go to class tonight.

By the way...I completely blame AJ. I told him I couldn't handle the Mexican he mad me eat for dinner.

Femara day two and three

Better.
Not as "zombie" as day one.
Still felt/feel like I couldn't focus on anything (which was fan-flipin-tastic while trying to give a presentation!)
I did however get cotton mouth like no one's business...I have downed so much water!

Night one was hard, I didn't sleep well. Which was surprising because I was sooo sooo tired.
Last night I slept like a rock! It was so nice.

My temps have been super low.
This morning I thought it was wrong...shouldn't 96.48 be something they get from a corps?!?!

I tell ya this week was quite possibly the worst week to take this crap...
Two tests and a presentation...and the week is only 1/2 over.

Femara day one

I've had 3 full caffeinated drinks today...and I don't ever have a full calf anything without becoming a bunny on a jackhammer. After all 3 drinks I felt like I had also downed a handful of sleeping pills. 
Tired...so so tired.
I probably shouldn't have drove.
I'm also so spaced out to the max. Like I'm sitting here but my mind is out on Jupiter or something.
And let's talk about the emotions, the ones that come out of nowhere?!?!
I watched a short clip from the movie Lion King today and balled...it wasn't a sad clip.
I had a headache all day, with what I would call intense flashes. Like a my noggin was going to pop off and roll around on the floor while red and yellow fire crackers spin from my eyes...ya it's graphic, but that's what it felt like. The worst one happened to shine it's ugly head during a 55 question test...it let me get all the way through the multiple choice and then showed it nasty self during the written.
By 8pm I figured I was in the clear, that the fatigue, emotions and headache were all I was going to get stuck with today....
And then on my drive home from class came the heartburn. The kind where you could breathe fire.

I'm so not looking forward to the next 4 days.
But if it gets me a baby or two...

and so it begins

I guess I'm really in this battle with infertility now, seeing as I get to down a little yellow pill (Femara) tomorrow morning (and for the next 4 days).
CD1 and AF showed with full force on Sat. and we took a trip to the pharmacy.
I then proceeded to tell the 5 little yellow pills that they would not under any circumstance were they going to put me through any of the side effects...all of which I already have. I just can't deal with more muscle pain, headaches, upset stomachs, the poops, hot flashes, increased appetite and weight gain (to name a few).
Up until now I kept telling myself that we could do this naturally...
Guess I was lying to myself.

And I'm kinda ok if we get stuck with twins (there's a high rate of multiples),it just means we don't have to go through this crap again.