should have waited

I just couldn't help but testing this morning. Just one day early. BFN

I keep trying to tell myself it's still early, and that we could still get a positive this cycle...
but I'm so full of doubt.
Chuck it up to 2.5 years of trying and failing I guess.

I've been so on edge these last few weeks. I find myself holding in tears all the time.
I've also had the strangest symptoms, constant cramping and sometimes shooting pains in my ovaries. At first I just figured I was ovulating, but now I wonder why it has kept up for 2 weeks.

HSG: A.K.A painful test from HELL

My ute hate me.
Want to know how I know???
I made it go through an HSG...
I know what you are thinking, Kat it takes like 5min to do that thing, and yes it causes cramping, but how is this causing the ute to hate you?
Well when your cervix doesn't want to cooperate with the whole procedure, and it takes a whopping 30+ min to do a 5min test....it makes your ute angry.
It really makes it reallllllllllllly angry when the radiologist has to resort to jamming a needle into it 4 times then grab it with a clamp and pull it on out there to then jam a long tube up there, but oh wait that's not all...add in a balloon and some dye and you get yourself a big old angry ute.

so i made myself a mimosa and a bag of rolos (ya know...breakfast of champions!)  and I'm in my most comfy yoga pants and tshirt, and best of all....Buffy the Vampire Slayer!

Good news though, I have no blockages! BUT the uterus does tip to the left, a lot.  But that can be little to no problem, or it could be the reason it's taken so long. Guess we'll find out when Dr. Girlfriend calls.

The fear of the HSG

I get to have an HSG tomorrow.
I'm both looking forward to it and scared of it.
My momma took off to drive me and spend the day with me, I'm so glad she's going to be there. Sometimes a girl just needs her momma.
I'm looking forward to it because this could tell us why we haven't gotten knocked up yet, but that scares at the same time.
What if they tell me I can never have a baby? I think I would mentally break down.

I also have no clue what to expect from this.
What will the rest of the day be like? How am I going to feel? Should I plan on not doing anything for the rest of the day?
How long does it take for all that dye to come out? (makes me want to wear black, an industrial size pad and put a puppy pad on the couch before I sit down.)


I love Dr. Girlfriend, but she's not that good at letting you know what's going on.
She doesn't give info out without you asking first, but the thing is who knows what to ask?
Guess I'll just have to ask my best friend Google.

It's most likely not me...and I tipped that scale.

I had my annual appointment yesterday, and got back my progesterone results. Seems all is good in that area too.  She said that with the good results my overies should be working just fine, and that if AJ get's a good report form the Uro/IF specialist than we will move on to the HSG. 
That wasn't the info that had me in tears all the way home though.

It seems that I have let myself get above 200lbs. Granted it's only 3lbs over (and I'm ok with you guys knowing my poundage seeing as you don't really know me) but it was my breaking point. I came home and looked up the carb amounts in almost everything. Starting next week (because I already have the grocery for this week) I will be eating way less carbs.
I'm also going to start using the elliptical that lives in my basement, I think 3 days a week is a good number to start off with. Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I don't have to be anywhere until 10 on those days...Tuesday and Thursday I have to be somewhere by 7:30 and who wants to get up at 5am just to work out. Plus I know me...I won't do it.
I'm setting myself a goal of 10lbs by the end of February, it's a healthy 2lbs a week and also not to outrageously high that I'll be let down.
I think it will be easier if I make small changes at first, bib-lettuce when I would use bread for sandwiches, eggs whites instead of oatmeal for breakfast and smoothies for the afternoon when I get the most hungry. Dinners are going to be the hardest, considering that AJ and I are verrrry picky eaters...and not about the same things.   Dinners kinda scare me...I know meat and potatoes. We have some form of that every night. Guess I'm going to spend the rest of this week looking up low carb dinners...when I'm not doing homework (which is what I have to do now).

Bussy week

This week I claim as Dr. office week...seeing as I will be in one 3 of the 5 days this week.
I got poked with a needle yesterday to check my progesterone,
I have my annual with Dr. Girlfriend on Wednesday (oh joy)
and we have an appointment with the urologist/fertility specialist Friday morning.

I also picked up the report from AJ's SA yesterday, so that we could take it to our appointment on Friday. To me it didn't look that bad. AJ's swimmers had really low numbers,  but that was the only thing that was under the range numbers. Everything else was just on the low end of the number range. And to top it off he confessed that he may not have waited the 48hrs...
I could have beat him when he told me that! Sometimes I think he doesn't care about important things, and it makes me nuts.

I just feel like this is an endless battle that I'm not sure we are going to win. 
I'm  so stressed out, with all this TTC and school and babysitting and not making much money.  I feel like no matter what I do I fail and the worst is I feel like I don't have any time!
There are so soooo many things I want to do and I always seem to get about half way through my todo list and then either it's midnight and I have to chase around a 1 1/2 yrold at 7:30 in the morning or I have class...and when Friday comes around I seem to have the energy to maybe lift my little finger!
The sad thing is I have an online class so my "free time" is used up by that, and I have a feeling that the 30 pictures we have due today is going to be something of a weekly occurrence.
I'm also stressed because only two of my classes have lists of all the things we are doing and when they are due. Which means that I (the list maker and planner to the extreme) can only plan for a week at a time. I don't think you understand the extreme to which I make lists...
I have a notebook that is just for listmaking,
I have them all over the house and have my verrrry own grease board to put todo's on!
I make list's of things to make sure I do in the morning, before I even make a daily list.
I can't do anything without a list.
I think it's because I for get so much.




wow this was one heck of a ramble!

Fears and Emotions

I'm scared, and I feel like a failure.
We had the "one year of trying and failure" appointment today.  AJ (that's the husband by the way) was embarrassed that he had to sit there and listen to all the "girly" crap, as he put it...he also told me that the room smelled like "a hooha".
I feel like I was put on this planet to be a mother, I always have.  So when a year has passed and still no baby I sit here and have all these conflicting emotions.
But most of all I'm scared, well frightened actually, to get the results of the SA that was turned in today. For AJ and for what it might mean for this journey we are on. I love my husband and in no way want him to feel any less of a man.
Most of all I am very frightened for the HSG that Dr. Girlfriend wants me to do at the beginning of the next cycle. All I can hope is that we get pregnant and I don't have to do it....Don't know what an HSG is? Well let me tell you. It's painful...very. My ute is at the moment in pain just thinking about it.
(want to really know what it is? I'll let WebMD. tell you because I'm not good with all the medical mumbojumbo.)
On top of all this I have to go in for another blood test one week after a +OPK to check my Progesterone. AND she wants me to take Femara next cycle too.
I came home today feeling way overloaded.  Overloaded with emotions and fear. But I would rather know than not know, and be able to move on and hopefully closer to having a baby.