:(

It didn't work
I'm not pregnant.

I just don't even know what to feel at this moment, I'm numb.

I'm to stop all meds (besides Metformin) and take one Dexamethazone on Sunday and one on Tuesday.  Then call the office when I start my period. 
I also have to call on Tuesday and schedule an appointment to sit and have the WTF appointment with Dr. H.


My heart just hurts so bad.

just waiting...

So it takes 20 min to process a stat lab order...I asked before I left this morning.

WHY HAVEN'T THEY CALLED ME YET?!?!?!

Seriously!
I'm calling them if they haven't called me by 1pm.

excited and tarrified

Tomorrow I go for my second BETA
I'm both excited and terrified for the results.
Mostly terrified.

I have waited so long for this and I don't know if I can handle not getting a positive call.
It's why I didn't pee on a stick this morning, last night my "late night pee on a stick" turned out negative.
Now I know that doesn't mean anything and I can still be pregnant, but at this point I can't deal with another negative. Even if it means nothing.

I'm so afraid, so so afraid of a negative result. I almost wish it was already Saturday and it was already over...the happy or the sad.  I just want to know.

I also hate that I have to get the call at work, where AJ won't be with me.  I hate that I have to call him to tell him the results.
Can't life just be perfect?
Oh isn't that just the ultimate IF question?!?

OK I'm back to non-whiny me. Sorry for that. I had a moment.

I have (for about a year now) had the idea to tell my parents by giving them a framed sheet with all the ways to say "grandma" or "grandpa", like in different languages and random nick names.  I wanted to make my brother a sign that states "Being and uncle is even better than being a superhero".
IF has taken that away from me, because I chose to include the people I love the most in this process.  I don't regret this at all, but it's sad that I won't get the surprise element of the announcement.  But still I wouldn't give up the support and prayers for anything.

I think I'm mostly scared because I have had crams (small but still there) and a horrid headache for the last two days.
Now I can't restrain from the google...and I found numerous instances where people still were pregnant and had pms symptoms and had a negative pee stick the day of their second BETA.
I'm trying so so hard to be positive and hopeful
But a girl with cramps and just one pee test might get the 8pm weakness again tonight. 

8am...pm what's the difference?

I mean it's just one little letter right a..p and who makes the rule that you must take a pregnancy test in the morning instead of the evening?


So Beta #1 was this morning...and it's KILLING me that the office knows if I'm really pregnant or not and I don't...stinkin not telling me till the second Beta...WHO DOES THAT TO PEOPLE?!?!

I laid in bed this morning for a solid 15 min in a teeter between peeing on a stick or or not.
I chose not to, and I'm now kicking myself.

So I'm wondering if it matters if I do it now...
I've got the few on hand...what IF women doesn't???

If I don't tonight there is NO way of keeping me from peeing on one. And my mom will be here and she will totally just drive me nuts following me around with a pee stick..."I know ya gotta pee soon".

So I should just do it now?
Yes you say?
ok fine you twisted my arm!
(I'll admit it may have already been a wee bit twisted)


oh and we had Chinese take-out for dinner and I just opened my cookie...
"You need not worry about your future"
score! the cookie thinks I should pee on a stick too!

b-a-n-a-n-a-s

there ya go now you have Gwen Stafani stuck in your head too!

So the night before my transfer my legs decided to spasm around 6:30am. One then the other. 
God love my dad, he stopped on his way to my house and picked me up some bananas, and I ate two that evening after my transfer. By the next day my legs felt better...but still not normal.
See they felt like someone had taken a crank and twisted my calf muscles and left them that way. Tight and almost like I couldn't walk that well. Fun times!
Now I just thought it was because I was a bum for the few days following my retrieval, ya know I didn't go on the nightly dog walks with the hubs and I hadn't been up and down the stairs that much...because when they poke needles through your vag you realllllly feel like running a marathon!
Anyhoo
My mom said that when she and my dad were talking that night he mentioned that he bets my spasms are from the progesterone. He said he remembers my mom getting them when she was on it for when she started menopause.
When I asked the nurse (before my transfer) what I should (or more accurately what I shouldn't do) she said more water...like I could drink any more and not float away! and bananas...and NO heating pads.
 I had my bananas and I drank my water and they went back to normal... 
until the night before last.
Thank God it was just one and not both.

Back to the store for bananas I go!

PS- Beta #1 tomorrow! too bad I don't get the number...they make you wait till Beta#2 to tell you anything....GRRRRR
let's see if I can keep from peeing on things until then.

so I'm hoping it's a good sign

I can't get enough peanut butter...like I have eaten almost 1/2 the jar in the bast 2 days.
By the spoon full.
and I can't stop myself.

Let's hope it's a baby/ies craving some peanut butter!

Holy Goop! Batman!

Warning: TMI post!

So I started my progesterone suppositories last night...along with progesterone in oil shots.

HOLY GOOP!
and...
HOLY HORMONES!

Last night I may have almost killed my husband over the littlest and stupidest thing ever!

Thank goodness I was back to my normal self this morning!  I was just a bit tired and my boobs hurt.
This double dose of progesterone may kill my by the end of next week. That or I may duck tape my boobs because every step I take kills! Now I'm what the men folk would call "stacked"...and I would consider that to be a vast understatement!

Just for giggles - I have a friend that said when I get pregnant he is getting me two unicycles so that I can prop up my ginormous boobs and wheel them around.
I think I may have peed myself when he said that, but to be honest I may need them!


Happy Friday! Hope you all have a fantastic weekend
(I'll be spending mine writing webpages!!!)
{those are sarcastic!!!}

Currently PUPO!

PUPO= pregnant until proven otherwise!

Today was transfer day!
It went great, but my cervix was being a bugger so he had to give it a little grab...aka ouch
After that the plopped my two little embabies in! (one full blast one partial blast) I have a little picture of them, it's on my night stand.
When he put them in it was kinda cool...ok really cool.
I payed there for my 20 or so minuets and then my mom took me to the bathroom...because dear God did I have to pee like a mo fo!
The valium they gave me...meh. Pointless, it didn't even kick in until we were on our way home.
Well maybe on the way to Taco Bell...crunch rap my favorite!?! Oh ya!

Anyways, we headed over to my grandparents because my grandmother made 8 quarts...no I'm not exaggerating she really made that much...of my favorite soup!
But the best part was I asked them (grandma and grandpa) to pray over me...and the baby/babies.
My gram jumps up and "runs" (""because really how fast can an 80yrold run ) in the other room and comes back with her prayer shall...which came from Israel by the way...and she drapes it over me, hands me the tassels and her and my grandpa laied hands on my belly and prayed...
And I cried...and now I'm crying again.
I'm so thankful that my mom thought to snap a few pics while they were praying...one will hang in the nursery. It's beautiful.

So for now I'm in bed, we just got done watching Tangled and I think I'm going to call it a night...I'm kinda warn out emotionally.  That or I'm gonna look up more baby rap on the Internet...probably the latter!

One more day

The nurse just called.
They moved us back to day 6.
There is NO way AJ can take off work tomorrow, so my mom is going to take me...I'm having a hard time with the fact he won't be there. I know there are plenty of gals who go without their husbands to the transfers. But come on...I'm just being kinda a baby about it.
I just keep hoping they call and say one pulled ahead and we need to get there now.
It's a long shot, but I still have to have hope.

I'm also kinda let down that all we know is how many embabies we have, not how many cells they are, not what grade they are...just a number.
And I don't even think they have that right!
When they called on Sunday they said we had 5...today she said it looked like we had 6???
Did we magically produce an embaby? Did the stork fly over the clinic this morning???

I'm just kinda blah
I'm super cranky
and I think I could just break down and cry at any moment...

I'm just so ready for this to happen.

Trying to be positive

I'm trying realllllly hard not to have doubts about tomorrow.

I'm just so nervous, more so than I was on Saturday. Which is strange.
It's just that if we would have transferred on Sunday there would have been 5 embabies to choose from, and I have this huge fear that tomorrow we will get there and have none...or one that is weak.
I'm so scared that we missed the best chance just to see if a lead embaby pulls ahead of the others.

I'm sitting here trying my best to think positive, because if I have to be honest thing today have fallen into place perfectly.
I was able to go to class...I'm one of those nerds that would have been really let down if I missed it. He gave us our first project assignment, and I would have just been stressed out later if I was a week behind.
When class was over I checked my phone and my mom had texted letting me know that she was able to move her schedule at work(thanks to a co-worker) so that she can be with me both Wednesday and Thursday...and let me tell you, I was soooooo stressed about her not being here with me while on bed rest!
So really I should be good...but my mind won't stop with the what ifs.

I tell ya, tomorrow afternoon can't get here fast enough!

Pushed to day 5

The office called this morning and pushed our appointment to day 5.
I'm kinda sad, bu I know they know what's best.
We go in Tuesday at 1:45. We have 5 good embryos left and they want to see if a leader or 2 shows.

I'm kinda glad I don't have to miss class and that I get to go to church this morning. I missed church the last two weeks because I wasn't feeling well and I kinda felt I let myself down...so I'm glad to be going today.

on another note I went to see The Odd Life of Timothy Green last night...
Cried the WHOLE time, but it was good.
Infact I think my whole row cried...mom, dad, grandparents and aunt and uncle...they are all my support group.

Retrival Lowdown

Or as I like to call it...that time Kat was drunk without drinking and laid 12 eggs!

This is long...just a fair warning!


I woke up Thursday morning around 9:30 and jumped in the shower, shaved the who ha, and put my hair in pigtails (because why not and they are so much more comfy than a pony when laying in a bed...I usually wear piggies to all my ultrasounds)
I tossed a blanket an pillow in the car and then sat around for a bit with the dog and husband. He decided to be mean and eat leftover pizza in front of me! but I was so nervous I don't think I could have eaten anyways.
We left home about 11:15, and it's a good thing we did too, because we hit a huge storm on the way that slowed us down a bit...hail and all! We needed the rain sooooo bad so I can't complain!
We got there just in time and only had to wait a few minuets in the empty waiting room...that means less people to see me in my super huge comfy tshirt and yoga pants!
The nurse brought me back to the prep room and gave me my lovely blue robe to chhange into, then the (bestest ever) lab tec came in to take AJ so he could put his bid-nes in a cup. While he was depositing the other nurse came in to take my vitals and then put in my IV, which ouch!
Then...I think stupidly...they had me go to the bathroom. This initialed me waddling down the hall holding the back of my gown shut with my non IV arm and then do you know how hard it is to pee and wipe with yor left when you are a righty??? Not easy let me tell you! Apparently I didn't do as well as I thought because I did get a bit of blood backup in my IV...but they said it was no big deal.
So back to the prep room I go and attempt to hop back up on the bed...now I'm a towering 5'1" and I only got one good arm...I think I flashed at least 2people my vijay jay, but I digress. I figure at this point enought people have had a good show, so no harm no foul!
The anesthesiologist popped in to say hi, and it's not surprising that the man was so nice and funny...he fits in with that office perfectly.
AJ got back just in time, because the nurse came back to run through my instructions for the rest of the day at home and to give me my calendar for the next week or so. And then they sent him to the waiting room (with a kiss from me) and took me of to the operating room.
I hopped up and put my knees up in the stirrups and they must have pushed some of the drugs the second my head hit the back of the table...because I got loopy almost instantaneously...I have no idea how it got to talk of whiskey, but apparently everyone in the office(including AJ in the lobby) now knows how much I love a good whiskey! All I can do is laugh about that one!
All I can say about being put out is BEST NAP EVER! I woke up feeling fantastic.
When back in the prep room I was asked what my pain was at, and it really was only a 3 so the nurse said I could have some juice...and I picked apple and got some animal cracker too...mmmmmm, and they sent AJ back in. He was shocked, he was only out there for about 15-20 min!
By the time the nurse was back with my snack my pain was up to about a 7/8 so I got more glorious IV meds. They watched my blood pressure, it was a bit high, and within a half hr they were taking out my IV and telling me I could get dressed.
They sent us on our way with instructions to take it easy for a few days and that they got 12 eggs out of me!

We payed out $800 bill and headed on to get something to eat.
We tried Texas Road House, but they weren't open yet...poor AJ he was soooo looking forward to that.
We stopped half way home and had a great late lunch of fried chicken and mash potatoes...and a slice of (freeeeeeking amazing) pie to take home, mine was banana cream!
After lunch I was feeling quite crappy and was very thankful I put a pillow and blanket in the car, because I snoozed for the remaining 20 min drive.
I went strait to the couch and AJ went upstairs and grabbed my old comforter, the one I love when I'm not feeling my best.
I then continued to eat any and everything in my house...I don't think I've stopped!

My progesterone shot wasn't bad at all the first night, I figured it would be, but AJ did a stellar job. Last night was worse, some of the stuff came back out and when I woke up this morning I had oil and blood on my undies. (just some small spots, no biggie)

I woke up yesterday with mild pain and discomfort...and man did that first morning pee HURT! But it hasn't been that bad since. My mom came over and helped me clean (which basically means she cleaned and yelled at me when I tried to), we ran some errands and came back for an afternoon nap.

The nurse called around 8:30am to let me know that out of the 12 eggs they got out of me 8 were good quality and all 8 took good to fertilization!
I called my grandparents right away, told them that as of that moment they had 8 great grand babies in petri dishes. They were beyond excited...my grandma called last night to find out what kind of soup I wanted her to make me for my bed rest. She makes the best soup!

So as of this moment we are scheduled for our transfer tomorrow morning at 9:30!
I'm beyond excited.
I have already started the dish washer and vacuumed the entire downstairs...I'm getting ready to clean the crap out of our bedroom now. AJ is moving the extra TV into our bedroom and I'm going to make notes for all over the house...like how to make me coffee! because you know things like that are very very important!

I'll have my iPad while in bed, but there is no way to have my computer since it's a desktop :(
It's gonna kill me being in one spot and not doing graphics! (anyone who wants to build or get me one of those over the bed tables is more than welcome to do so today!)
But I'm sure I'll post some stuff in the next two days.

Prayer, luck, good wishes, faerie dust...whatever, please send it our way! 

Home from retrival

I'm home and camped out on the couch.

The retrivial went fantastic, they got 12 eggies and it only took about 15-20 min.
We stopped for lunch on the way home and now I'm in my (probably permanent until tomorrow morning) spot on the couch. Willy Wonka is on so I'm good...the old one...the new one kinda freeks me out.

I'll post tomorrow or this weekend with today's details, I just don't feel like doing much more than laying on the couch and eating my weight in whatever I have in the house...I'm currently finishing off a bag of Quaker chocolate rice cakes...washed down with a big glass of milk. Mmmmmmm

I'm a hen

That's right, I said hen...
as in chicken (but not the scared kind)
the kind full of eggs.

I can feel them. It's so strange, and well kinda painful.
Every move I make, going up the stairs, getting in and out of the car, just plain walking.
I told my mom I feel like a hen about to lay a million eggs...
which I kinda am!

I woke up at 2:20am and jabbed my arm at 2:30 with my trigger last night, and we go in tomorrow at 12:15 for a 1pm retrieval!
I'm not to eat or drink after midnight tonight...which may kill me considering the first place I go in the morning is to the fridge to CHUG some orange juice. (I have a serious addiction to oj)

 thoughts and prayers are always welcome!
I'll update tomorrow and let you guys know how it went.

It happening...it's really happening.

As if all the injections weren't real...But today when Dr. H said "ok I think we are ready" it hit me. This is really happening.

I get a break from injections tonight and tomorrow (well almost) I'm still waiting on the nurse to call with the times for my trigger and retrival appointment since my E2 results take a bit to get back.

He said I have 14 good harvestable eggs! And the nurse said that was about her average, we fall a our middle in the retrival group...they go in order from most to least. I'm just glad we are not last on the list!

I left the office super excited, texted AJ to take Thursday off for our retrieval! and then called my mom. She couldn't go with me today(I made the drive solo) because she had to work this afternoon and I didn't want to risk her being late (there is a ton of construction on my way there and back).  She sent text/calls out to my aunt and grandparents and requested prayers. We are all praying for 3 good ones to put back in, and for the transfer to be next Tuesday.

So now I'm sitting here...very impatiently I may add...for my phone call instructing when to jab the 1" needle in my arm and what time we need to be at the office for the retrival!

Back again tomorrow

I went in today for a ultrasound and another E2.
I have four 16's and two 10's on the left, and two 15's, two 10's and a 12 on the right...and they want me to come back tomorrow morning to have another ultrasound and another E2.
Now I'm all cool with doing whatever I can to get a baby...but geeze, can someone please loan me the gas money???
I put gas in the car before I left this morning, and I'm gonna have to put more in before I leave tomorrow. Benefit of not having a reproductive endocrinologist within 40 miles.
Let's just hope he tells me tomorrow that my retrivial is Thursday or Friday. And while we are hoping let hope my transfer ends up next Tuesday...because I realllllly want to not miss my first day do classes.  (I'm a nerd, I'm ok with it)

Facebook to the rescue!

Never thought I'd ever say Facebook rescued anything! but alas: here is the blanket I made for little "jelly bean"  This picture makes me cry again...stupid supper stimming! (that and I just watched "The Secret Life of Bee's"...oh so sad...oh so good!)

baby's room is painted that turquoise color that I used for the corner block and the trim! and they ended up changing the nursery to Finding Nemo theme, and it still matches perfectly! 

I'm so full of emotions...I'm spilling over

I take back everything I ever said about Follistim....because 300unit injections....ghaah
I feel like the only way I'm functioning is because God has some invisible puppet strings at the moment.

I cry for NO reason...none what so ever...I feel like I could just cry and never stop.
Maybe it's the nausea. Who knows.

All I have to say is God must be making me feel weak to make me stronger.

the hole in my arm and a baby shower

I went last Thursday morning to have my E2 drawn, and after sitting for 30+ min of checking in and then waiting for the lab tec to call my name I finally get back there.  One tube of blood and way more pain than I have ever had getting blood work in my life (and this is after the 6 tubes they took a month or so ago) I now have the biggest bruise on the inside of my elbow.
I swear the chick hit bone. It bleed like a mo fo for about 2 hrs!
I woke up Friday morning with dime size red blood patch just left of the puncture hole and a tad bit of a bruise...but Saturday I woke up with a bruise that covered the entire inside of my elbow!
And it HURTS! STILL!
I can't hang my arm down at my side and I can't bend it all the way...so basically I walk around holding onto myself...awkward.

On another note I went to a baby shower this weekend.
And it wasn't that bad.
The couple has been through 3IUI's and finally got one to stick with an IVF. Their little guy is due in about a month and he's already 6lbs! I'm so overly happy for them it's not even funny...they give me mad hope and they are so helpful with any and all questions I send their way. They even offered to come over and help me if I had trouble with my injections.
They are the ones that I was making the blanket for...and I totally blanked on taking a finished photo!
I'm such a bad crafter!  but she did take a photo with the blanket wrapped around the baby bump, so as soon as that hits facebook I'll snatch it and pop it on here.

The shower was small and Mary Poppins themed...which I loved! and they had thumbprint cookies so win win...because those little drops of heaven are DELICIOUS!
I kinda want to just make a batch for myself...ya know, to eat while watching the Olympics...or anything.  ;)