Friday, October 5, 2012

what's this hope you speak of?

Now I'm about to get all winded and break out in have been warned.

Heading into IVF#2 feels drastically different than IVF#1.
Yes I may know what is in store when it comes to injections and how they will make me feel.
I'll know which to use an ice pack with and witch ones to take out of the fridge early...that I'm good on.
My problem comes in the hope department.

See the first time around I was so full of hope that I was convinced that it could not fail...that I soon would have my babies/baby in my belly.
Now, well not so much.
My hope has left the building.

It's like magic...and this is where my nerd comes in.
I liken this feeling to how I felt when reading/seeing Harry Potter for the second time (and every time after that)
That first reading was so full of new never before experiences. And no matter how much you want it, that magic is not the same when you crack the book again.
It's like in the first movie...The first time you see the Sorcerers Stone and the vault that holds the stone is opened, that stone looks huge, and Hagrid reaches in and picks it up...and you realize it's rather small.
Now every time you watch it after, that stone will always be small...that new wonder is gone.
You can never go back to seeing that stone as huge.

It's as if my hope is now that small stone.
It will never again be that first hope, and I want it so desperately to be huge again.

I'm praying so hard for God to bring that hope back to me, just a little bit, I don't need it all back...just some would be nice.
I'm almost detached when it comes to this round, and now that I think about it I was detached with out second IUI too.
I don't want to talk about it with anyone and I'm finding it hard to write about too...usually I can write about how I feel rather easily. Now I just have nothing.
I don't want to bring you guys down with bummer post after bummer post about wow is little me and how I can't care to feel anything...

I'm just so lost...I don't know how to move on, find that hope, have faith that this time won't fail too.

1 comment:

  1. Sending you a big hug. I am feeling the same way as we head into IVF#2. I totally lost all that innocence and excitement!


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