Thursday, October 25, 2012

holding myself back

I keep holding myself back from being excited about this round.
This time last round I was all about looking at baby room decorations, making lists of names, planning ways to tell people.
This time around I find myself keeping myself from any of if I know the let down, and I'm keeping myself at arms length so I won't be hurt as bad if this one doesn't work.
But let's be honest, there is no way it will hurt any less.

So why don't I just let myself go?
because I'm afraid of getting hurt.

I knew that IVF was different from IUI...
I knew that it's more technical, and more advanced, but I didn't expect it to have a more emotional strength to it.

When the IUI's failed I was sad. I cried, but I didn't break down. I moved on within a day.
With IVF it's so much more real, and I don't know how to explain that. It's almost as if I can't move on.
I have this feeling that this round is dragging. Like I have been on Lupron forever and I'm never going to get to the Follistim and Menopur, yet they start on Monday.
I know that the 5th will get here before I know it (day of my first U/S...also day after my birthday...11days from now...HOLY SHIT I turn 31 in 10days!) and then they will be asking me to trigger, then the retrieval and then the transfer...
I'm just having a hard time making this round feel real.
Again I think it's the fear of being hurt so bad by another failed cycle.

It's been easier to distract myself this round, though.
With IVF#1 all the prep/shots were in the school.
This time around I'm in full swing of classes...and midterms.
In fact I'm covering two classes and three labs on Monday...that means giving two midterm tests and taking another myself (but it's online and woo hoo for using the internet!). Hey it's extra money and I'm sure I'll end up with on Hell of a reference from all this extra I'm doing for my boss so it's worth it.
But school has given me such a distraction, and I can't help but be kinda thankful.
I know that if this round works all those planning thoughts will pop right in. 

I'm just kinda sad that the excitement is lost on this round.
Last time all the shots seemed like magic shots...magic baby shots.
This time I'm struggling to care if I take them on time.
Last time, 6am on the dot, every morning....
This time I'm lucky if two days in a row are the same time!
But in my defense, I was told I have an hour window with my morning shots and I have been in that window...I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our chances to finally be pregnant. (plus HELLO we are spending enough on this)   

I guess this big ol ramble is just me wishing I could connect with this round...but then again if it doesn't work again I'll be glad I didn't connect...I guess.

1 comment:

  1. Totally know how you feel, it seems unimaginable that you could spend so much time and money on IVF and not end up with a baby. So frustrating. I hope this cycle works for you.
    I look forward to following your blog, maybe we will both be pregnant in a few weeks :)


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