you know you are out of it when...

you write a whole post and just forget to post it...

yep I did that.

I blame the Follistim.
It has turned me into a zombie...yesterday was bad. You would have thought that I was stoned or something. I spent most of the morning staring at nothing at all and finally around 2ish I was coming back to earth.
I edited some photos and watched some Netflix...and I totally wrote a post about how I was feeling...and forgot to post it.
Anyways, I'm feeling a million times better today!
Like I have energy and some focus today, which is great because I was kinda worried about driving to work if I was in the mental state I was in yesterday.

I think the fact that I'm feeling better today was because my mom came out to my house before work, to get ready and just sit and have breakfast with me. It was so nice to have someone other than the dog to talk to this morning!  I made myself pancakes...because...pancakes, and washed it all down with a pumpkin spice late...with whip cream. mmmmmmm    Every morning should begin like that.

kinda afraid of the Follistim

Tonight I start the Follistim shots...and when I think of the sheer amount that I get to shove in my gut I almost break out in a cold sweat.
450units Monday and Tuesday
That's half the vile.
300units Wednesday and beyond
That's still a ton.

I just remember how crappy I felt during the first round and I'm not looking forward to feeling worse this time.
I just remember feeling like my insides were on elastic lines after 1,500 units and the nurse telling me that my ovaries were the size of grapefruits...that feeling should hit around Thursday and I'll still have another 5days to go. 

I expressed to AJ last night that I was really nervous about this round and that it was because I didn't want to have to go through another failure. He didn't have much to say, just that he tends to go into these things without getting too hopeful...knowing that it may fail. I told him it is harder for me, being the woman that I am and being super emotional. He said he understands, and that he loves me no matter what.  In all fairness, I should have not chosen bedtime to discuss this with him...he's so tired by then, I don't think he was even fully away while we were talking because he started snoring shortly after.  But I can't help but feel like he isn't all there when it comes to emotionally connecting with me on this whole infertility battle.

But then again I'm all emotional and a girl.

holding myself back

I keep holding myself back from being excited about this round.
This time last round I was all about looking at baby room decorations, making lists of names, planning ways to tell people.
This time around I find myself keeping myself from any of it...as if I know the let down, and I'm keeping myself at arms length so I won't be hurt as bad if this one doesn't work.
But let's be honest, there is no way it will hurt any less.

So why don't I just let myself go?
because I'm afraid of getting hurt.

I knew that IVF was different from IUI...
I knew that it's more technical, and more advanced, but I didn't expect it to have a more emotional strength to it.

When the IUI's failed I was sad. I cried, but I didn't break down. I moved on within a day.
With IVF it's so much more real, and I don't know how to explain that. It's almost as if I can't move on.
I have this feeling that this round is dragging. Like I have been on Lupron forever and I'm never going to get to the Follistim and Menopur, yet they start on Monday.
I know that the 5th will get here before I know it (day of my first U/S...also day after my birthday...11days from now...HOLY SHIT I turn 31 in 10days!) and then they will be asking me to trigger, then the retrieval and then the transfer...
I'm just having a hard time making this round feel real.
Again I think it's the fear of being hurt so bad by another failed cycle.

It's been easier to distract myself this round, though.
With IVF#1 all the prep/shots were in the summer...no school.
This time around I'm in full swing of classes...and midterms.
In fact I'm covering two classes and three labs on Monday...that means giving two midterm tests and taking another myself (but it's online and woo hoo for using the internet!). Hey it's extra money and I'm sure I'll end up with on Hell of a reference from all this extra I'm doing for my boss so it's worth it.
But school has given me such a distraction, and I can't help but be kinda thankful.
I know that if this round works all those planning thoughts will pop right in. 

I'm just kinda sad that the excitement is lost on this round.
Last time all the shots seemed like magic shots...magic baby shots.
This time I'm struggling to care if I take them on time.
Last time, 6am on the dot, every morning....
This time I'm lucky if two days in a row are the same time!
But in my defense, I was told I have an hour window with my morning shots and I have been in that window...I wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our chances to finally be pregnant. (plus HELLO we are spending enough on this)   

I guess this big ol ramble is just me wishing I could connect with this round...but then again if it doesn't work again I'll be glad I didn't connect...I guess.

no pants and killer heartburn

It has hit that point in the IVF cycle where the bruise form the shots hurt too much to wear real pants...so enter the yoga pants!
Thank God I thought enough to go out and get new black ones to replace the holy ones I love and adore.
And since the mid-west decided that today it will be in the upwards of 80 degrees (hello it's October!), I'm sporting the black capri pants and a tshirt.
I have one pair of jeans that are a bit to big, and if I wear my yoga shorts under then instead of a belt I can somewhat handle it.

What I can't handle however is the killer heartburn.
I'm not kidding folks, it's bad.
I'm downing tums like they are candy and I'm pretty sure that I drank about 3gallons of ice water yesterday, which resulted in many trips to the bathroom.

I go tomorrow for my first E2, and I'm trying out a new outpatient lab to do it...let's hope this time they don't poke all the way through like last time!
Then after that I'm going for an open interview for a company that provides home care and companionship for those stuck in their homes due to illness or disability. I'm hoping to pick up a few hrs on Tuesdays and Thursdays so wish me luck!

I'm also almost done with my latest crochet project, I'll post pictures soon.

Now sadly I need to get ready for work...I have way too much to do tonight while I'm there...stupid and tedious work.  Ugh!

The oddness of IVF round 2 and thank God that wedding is over.

This second round of IVF is effecting me in totally different ways, and it's odd.

This is day 1 without the BCP and day 6 on Lupron, 5units instead of 10 this morning...
and my ankles are killing me.
It's like I twisted them both and they won't heal, yet I haven't.
It started last week with every time I went up the stairs, it felt like I was hyper-extending my ankles, and yesterday I felt as if my hips were worked too hard...

I have a feeling it's because I have been kinda stressed/busy.
My friend got married on Saturday and I, being the giver that I am, helped out.
Now when I say helped out I mean that I played wedding planner, hair dresser, makeup artist, videographer and photographer.
All because I don't know how to say no.
Numerous people told her that I should have been her maid of honor...and to be honest I'm kinda hurt I wasn't even a bridesmaid.
I went to tons of meeting with her to get her wedding planned and executed, and spent the entire rehearsal sitting because her ass of a new husband took over and didn't even let me do the one thing I was supposed to do! which was "run the show" and let everything and everyone move and run the way it was supposed to.
I got up early Saturday and helped decorate the reception hall, then spent 3hrs doing the brides hair and makeup...to which I then got stuck painting her toe nails, doing her sisters makeup, and her mom's hair.  I then put her in her dress and put in her veil...again I WAS NOT A BRIDESMAID.
 I rushed home and changed and the hubs and I rushed back, set up the video camera and I made sure that everyone walked down the isle when the should...ran back up to the balcony to take some pictures...because I have a zoom lens and the "photographer" didn't. I use "" because she had no clue what the hell she was doing. I've never shot a wedding but I sure as hell know when to pick up a camera to get a "don't miss shot".
I bustled up her dress and then the hubs and I rushed to the reception so we could light all the candles and put out mints and nuts...
You would think it ends there right???
nope!
Stitting at the reception there is this little kid, maybe 2ish, running around with no one watching him.
all the sudden he takes off out the back door and into the parking lot...so me being me I take off after him.
4times!
and you want to know where his mom was?
in her car
SMOKING (I'll let you guess what she was smoking)

so ya I've been stressed out.

From now on I'm going to say NO more.

So yesterday I did what I wanted.
I ate fattening pasta and breadsticks for lunch
and I made a double batch of chocolate chip cookies
I made the best comfort food dinner (beef and gravy over mashed potatoes...mmmmm)
then laid on the couch and watched tv all night long.

And I don't care if anyone cares...I'm wearing yoga pants to class tonight.
It's midterms after all, no one is expected to look sane during midterms.

And it's strange

I don't know if it was the Box-o-Meds or the fact that I have it all organized and ready to go, but today is like a brand new me.
No the headache is still kicking my bootie, but it's almost as if I'm looking forward to sticking that first needle in my gut.
It's kinda strange.
I'm still so sad that the last round didn't work, but I'm almost thankful to be able to do this again.
Say What?!?!
yes thankful.
I now know that I can live through a failed IVF...
I now know that I have the strength to heal and move on...
I now know that I be ok, no matter what happens this round.

But in all that, I'm choosing to make myself have hope and faith in this round.
I will not let the doubt and fear get me.

I will stand in the rain.

 

lyrics from the song Stand in the Rain by Superchic(k) 

This song makes me cry every time and it's because of the conviction they sing it with

I think the song is perfect for those of us going through infertility 

Box-O-Meds #2 and I think my head is going to explode.

My box-o-meds #2 came today and I feel like this train is starting to chug along.
This box was smaller...only because the pharmacy finally got a smart one and consolidated needles...I mean is it really necessary to send something like two needles in one bag and 20 in the other.
The ninnies also sent me a new Follistim pen and case...well thanks for the backup, but I didn't need it.
I'm also concerned about how much Lupron they sent...because it doesn't look like there will be enough. I do have some left over...in fact I have more left over than they sent me...and the new one is in a pharmacy bottle, like the ones they use when they compound meds, just like the progesterone in oil that they send me, but the last time they sent me some off brand. I think I'm going to draw up a needle and see if they sent enough.

OK I bet you are now tired of me rambling about my medicine...yeah? that's ok I'll stop now.

Being back on the BCP is giving me a HUGE headache and the office told me that all I can take is Tylenol and Sutafed. And let me tell you how well those work for me.
Nodda
Zip
So for the last three days have been me avoiding any bright lights, loud sounds and strong smells.  I have been downing water and eating nothing but crackers, soup and rice. I think tonight I'll go for mash potatoes...comfort food is my drug.
And speaking of comfort I finally broke out the fall pj pants and fleece slippers, because even though the thermostat in my house states that it's 68 in here I'm freezing! and I can only drink so many cups of tea before I turn into a puddle of tea myself.
My current favorite is Bengal Spice with brown sugar...mmmmm

what's this hope you speak of?

Now I'm about to get all winded and break out in nerd...you have been warned.

Heading into IVF#2 feels drastically different than IVF#1.
Yes I may know what is in store when it comes to injections and how they will make me feel.
I'll know which to use an ice pack with and witch ones to take out of the fridge early...that I'm good on.
My problem comes in the hope department.

See the first time around I was so full of hope that I was convinced that it could not fail...that I soon would have my babies/baby in my belly.
Now, well not so much.
My hope has left the building.

It's like magic...and this is where my nerd comes in.
I liken this feeling to how I felt when reading/seeing Harry Potter for the second time (and every time after that)
That first reading was so full of new never before experiences. And no matter how much you want it, that magic is not the same when you crack the book again.
It's like in the first movie...The first time you see the Sorcerers Stone and the vault that holds the stone is opened, that stone looks huge, and Hagrid reaches in and picks it up...and you realize it's rather small.
Now every time you watch it after, that stone will always be small...that new wonder is gone.
You can never go back to seeing that stone as huge.

It's as if my hope is now that small stone.
It will never again be that first hope, and I want it so desperately to be huge again.

I'm praying so hard for God to bring that hope back to me, just a little bit, I don't need it all back...just some would be nice.
I'm almost detached when it comes to this round, and now that I think about it I was detached with out second IUI too.
I don't want to talk about it with anyone and I'm finding it hard to write about too...usually I can write about how I feel rather easily. Now I just have nothing.
I don't want to bring you guys down with bummer post after bummer post about wow is little me and how I can't care to feel anything...

I'm just so lost...I don't know how to move on, find that hope, have faith that this time won't fail too.

and so it begins again

I went in for my calendar review yesterday.
I left with another migraine inducing calendar, packet of papers to fill out and bring back filled out and notarized as well as a new prescription for the BCP.
I started the BCP yesterday, and I'm just happy the super heavy period has already started to get better!
I haven't ordered my box-o-meds yet, I don't have to start any injections until the 17th so I'm holding off...we did just put down $500 to hold our spot for this round of IVF so our bank account needs another week or so before another $1,000+ comes out of it.
The only difference with this round is that they upped my Follistim. I get an extra day of that needle! Last round I had 2days of 300units and 4 of 225units and this time around I get 2days of 450units and 5days of 300units that's a grand total of 2,400units vs 1,500units.
All I keep thinking is how huge and painful my ovaries were last time...and now I fear they might explode.

I've decided that this time around I'm handling things different, who I tell and how much I tell the people I do tell...the reasons why is a whole post in itself...maybe later.

On another note, hubs and I decided that we are in fact going to get away for the weekend. I'm so looking forward to the changing trees and the cool crisp northern air.

Hello October

I've always said that September is my favorite...but I think I'm going to have to change that.
I love fall, the colors and I love the cool air. So bring on October. (and November too for that matter)

I'm happy to see a new month start, to begin this IVF cycle with a clean crisp air all around.

I started my period yesterday...AJ was SOOOOO happy it interfered with him having sex on his birthday, but he'll get over it.  Me, on the other hand, I'm just soooo freeeking tired! Stupid heavy periods.

I go in tomorrow for a calendar review, and I'm kinda glad I get to walk out with a paper in my hand.  Not that I don't know what is going to happen now...It seems so crazy the way I was so on edge last time...not knowing what was going to happen and having mini panics about it.  This time around I'm just so ready for it it's not even funny.
Only an infertile understands looking forward to jabbing themselves with needle after needle and growing ovaries the size of grapefruits!

Bring it on I say!
Hell, give me twins...I'm sooooo ready.