it was pms...I should have known.

I woke up this morning and without being fully awake grabbed my pee cup and headed into the bathroom....
the pee cup got thrown across the bathroom (empty, don't worry)

I called the Dr.'s office, talked to the nurse, scheduled a sit down with Dr. H (the RE) for Monday afternoon.

I want to cry
I need to cry
I can't cry...I just don't have it in me.

I'm frightened about IVF.
I want to spend the next 3 days researching as much as I can, but I don't know where to start.
I think I'll start with the books I have...
After I go get a cheese burger and stop at the store for ice cream.

damit! knock it off stupid body!

So I today is 2weeks from the trigger shot which = pee on a stick day #1.

Yesterday I was all crampy, woke up with zits galore (tiny ones which is nice since I usually have HUGE under the skin ones...fuckers hurt like hell!) and was willing to cry at the drop of a hat.
This morning wasn't much different, just add in a massive headache.
Yet still no sign of my least favorite aunt...so I peed on a stick.

Surprise surprise
BFN

Then later at around 8ish (yes later, on work days I wake at the ripe hr of 5) I noticed I was spotting a bit, reallllly little, but still spotting.
I have been super tired all day and haven't wanted to eat anything.
No cramps.

What the crap body?

Can't you just decide whether you want me to be excited about lack of pms or ya know just give me pms so that I may wallow in a bag of chocolate cupcakes....which I may or may not have made yesterday just in case.

I'm suppose to wait till Saturday to pee on another stick...
but we all know that means I'll still pee on one in the morning.
That is if the period doesn't show up first.

Lord give me strength.

more great grand children

Just found out today that my cousin (not the pregnant one) and her husband are adopting again!
The first was a son from Vietnam, then a surprising pregnancy gave us another little boy, and now they are getting two sisters (one 4 and one 5)!
I couldn't be happier for them, although that means more girls that I didn't give this family of mine...

One more week of the 2ww...I'm about to go insane...
I'm keeping busy with granny squares. Friends of our are expecting (after 3IUI"s and an IVF)! so I'm working on a little crib blanket to go with this amazingly cute natural bedding set.  --->
I'll post a pic when I'm done, but it's small squares of all those colors with a white border.



I also have been working on a feeling post...It's going to be long...so prepare yourself!

why thank you Sherlock

Here's to hoping yesterday's IUI worked.

and a little sexy from good old Benedict doesn't hurt either!

if I yell reallllly loud do you think you may be able to hear it states away?

my cousin (who is having her 3rd)
just announced on facebook she is having a girl....
 no let me say (before my yelling begins) that I am verrrrry happy she is having another.  She has lost 2, and has had struggles getting pregnant....

but selfish me wanted to have the first great granddaughter in the family!

there I said it....

now excuse me while I go and eat a tub of cookie dough ice cream.

sorry

I'm so sorry I  have been MIA lately...but then again I'm not
I was in sunny Mexico
getting burnt...because I'm whiter than white.

I started back on the junkie routine last night with 50mg of Follistim and I go in next Tuesday for a baseline.
I'm kinda numb about the whole thing.
I know it's only our second IUI but I'm having a hard time feeling it this time.
who knows


ps- supper sorry I haven't commented on your bloggs lately...I have so much catchup reading to do thanks to someone (our guess is housekeeping) that took my iPad...on the second day of vacation...I was only 2 chapters into my book.  Buttholes!

a little off topic

I did something today that I didn't think I would do for a long time.
I went out to visit my father's grave.
He died 5 years ago today.
I hadn't spoken to him for 8 years prior to that. So it's been 13 years since I have uttered a word to him...and they were not kind words, but to be fair, neither were his. I was a freshmen in college and he was an adult.
For years I went through custody battles, and horrid court appointed visitations.
He was a mean, manipulative ass. I was only a pawn in the battle to make my mother suffer. He never wanted or loved me.

So today I was driving home from lunch, heading home to study for my final tomorrow morning, and I realized what day it was...as I was sitting at a red light next to the cemetery.  And I turned, drove in and walked up to his site.

And nothing came.
I had nothing to say. I couldn't even make my mind focus.

I was at work when my mother called to tell me he had died, and I cried then.  Sometimes I wonder if it wasn't out of relief.  I hope that doesn't make me a monster.
I cried again at the funeral, but only because AJ started to cry...he said it was because he was sad that I didn't get to have the father/daughter relationship that I deserved to have. If he hadn't cried I know I wouldn't have. Until today I had never gone to visit his site.
The headstone says beloved father...what a freekin joke.

thanks for listening/reading. I know this is an infertility blog...and I do have a regular blog (where people know who I am) but I have never said (or typed) those feelings before. Something about nobody knowing who I really am makes it easier to get these things out.  So thank you for being my therapist.