a little off topic

I did something today that I didn't think I would do for a long time.
I went out to visit my father's grave.
He died 5 years ago today.
I hadn't spoken to him for 8 years prior to that. So it's been 13 years since I have uttered a word to him...and they were not kind words, but to be fair, neither were his. I was a freshmen in college and he was an adult.
For years I went through custody battles, and horrid court appointed visitations.
He was a mean, manipulative ass. I was only a pawn in the battle to make my mother suffer. He never wanted or loved me.

So today I was driving home from lunch, heading home to study for my final tomorrow morning, and I realized what day it was...as I was sitting at a red light next to the cemetery.  And I turned, drove in and walked up to his site.

And nothing came.
I had nothing to say. I couldn't even make my mind focus.

I was at work when my mother called to tell me he had died, and I cried then.  Sometimes I wonder if it wasn't out of relief.  I hope that doesn't make me a monster.
I cried again at the funeral, but only because AJ started to cry...he said it was because he was sad that I didn't get to have the father/daughter relationship that I deserved to have. If he hadn't cried I know I wouldn't have. Until today I had never gone to visit his site.
The headstone says beloved father...what a freekin joke.

thanks for listening/reading. I know this is an infertility blog...and I do have a regular blog (where people know who I am) but I have never said (or typed) those feelings before. Something about nobody knowing who I really am makes it easier to get these things out.  So thank you for being my therapist.