And it's strange

I don't know if it was the Box-o-Meds or the fact that I have it all organized and ready to go, but today is like a brand new me.
No the headache is still kicking my bootie, but it's almost as if I'm looking forward to sticking that first needle in my gut.
It's kinda strange.
I'm still so sad that the last round didn't work, but I'm almost thankful to be able to do this again.
Say What?!?!
yes thankful.
I now know that I can live through a failed IVF...
I now know that I have the strength to heal and move on...
I now know that I be ok, no matter what happens this round.

But in all that, I'm choosing to make myself have hope and faith in this round.
I will not let the doubt and fear get me.

I will stand in the rain.

 

lyrics from the song Stand in the Rain by Superchic(k) 

This song makes me cry every time and it's because of the conviction they sing it with

I think the song is perfect for those of us going through infertility 

Box-O-Meds #2 and I think my head is going to explode.

My box-o-meds #2 came today and I feel like this train is starting to chug along.
This box was smaller...only because the pharmacy finally got a smart one and consolidated needles...I mean is it really necessary to send something like two needles in one bag and 20 in the other.
The ninnies also sent me a new Follistim pen and case...well thanks for the backup, but I didn't need it.
I'm also concerned about how much Lupron they sent...because it doesn't look like there will be enough. I do have some left over...in fact I have more left over than they sent me...and the new one is in a pharmacy bottle, like the ones they use when they compound meds, just like the progesterone in oil that they send me, but the last time they sent me some off brand. I think I'm going to draw up a needle and see if they sent enough.

OK I bet you are now tired of me rambling about my medicine...yeah? that's ok I'll stop now.

Being back on the BCP is giving me a HUGE headache and the office told me that all I can take is Tylenol and Sutafed. And let me tell you how well those work for me.
Nodda
Zip
So for the last three days have been me avoiding any bright lights, loud sounds and strong smells.  I have been downing water and eating nothing but crackers, soup and rice. I think tonight I'll go for mash potatoes...comfort food is my drug.
And speaking of comfort I finally broke out the fall pj pants and fleece slippers, because even though the thermostat in my house states that it's 68 in here I'm freezing! and I can only drink so many cups of tea before I turn into a puddle of tea myself.
My current favorite is Bengal Spice with brown sugar...mmmmm

what's this hope you speak of?

Now I'm about to get all winded and break out in nerd...you have been warned.

Heading into IVF#2 feels drastically different than IVF#1.
Yes I may know what is in store when it comes to injections and how they will make me feel.
I'll know which to use an ice pack with and witch ones to take out of the fridge early...that I'm good on.
My problem comes in the hope department.

See the first time around I was so full of hope that I was convinced that it could not fail...that I soon would have my babies/baby in my belly.
Now, well not so much.
My hope has left the building.

It's like magic...and this is where my nerd comes in.
I liken this feeling to how I felt when reading/seeing Harry Potter for the second time (and every time after that)
That first reading was so full of new never before experiences. And no matter how much you want it, that magic is not the same when you crack the book again.
It's like in the first movie...The first time you see the Sorcerers Stone and the vault that holds the stone is opened, that stone looks huge, and Hagrid reaches in and picks it up...and you realize it's rather small.
Now every time you watch it after, that stone will always be small...that new wonder is gone.
You can never go back to seeing that stone as huge.

It's as if my hope is now that small stone.
It will never again be that first hope, and I want it so desperately to be huge again.

I'm praying so hard for God to bring that hope back to me, just a little bit, I don't need it all back...just some would be nice.
I'm almost detached when it comes to this round, and now that I think about it I was detached with out second IUI too.
I don't want to talk about it with anyone and I'm finding it hard to write about too...usually I can write about how I feel rather easily. Now I just have nothing.
I don't want to bring you guys down with bummer post after bummer post about wow is little me and how I can't care to feel anything...

I'm just so lost...I don't know how to move on, find that hope, have faith that this time won't fail too.

and so it begins again

I went in for my calendar review yesterday.
I left with another migraine inducing calendar, packet of papers to fill out and bring back filled out and notarized as well as a new prescription for the BCP.
I started the BCP yesterday, and I'm just happy the super heavy period has already started to get better!
I haven't ordered my box-o-meds yet, I don't have to start any injections until the 17th so I'm holding off...we did just put down $500 to hold our spot for this round of IVF so our bank account needs another week or so before another $1,000+ comes out of it.
The only difference with this round is that they upped my Follistim. I get an extra day of that needle! Last round I had 2days of 300units and 4 of 225units and this time around I get 2days of 450units and 5days of 300units that's a grand total of 2,400units vs 1,500units.
All I keep thinking is how huge and painful my ovaries were last time...and now I fear they might explode.

I've decided that this time around I'm handling things different, who I tell and how much I tell the people I do tell...the reasons why is a whole post in itself...maybe later.

On another note, hubs and I decided that we are in fact going to get away for the weekend. I'm so looking forward to the changing trees and the cool crisp northern air.

Hello October

I've always said that September is my favorite...but I think I'm going to have to change that.
I love fall, the colors and I love the cool air. So bring on October. (and November too for that matter)

I'm happy to see a new month start, to begin this IVF cycle with a clean crisp air all around.

I started my period yesterday...AJ was SOOOOO happy it interfered with him having sex on his birthday, but he'll get over it.  Me, on the other hand, I'm just soooo freeeking tired! Stupid heavy periods.

I go in tomorrow for a calendar review, and I'm kinda glad I get to walk out with a paper in my hand.  Not that I don't know what is going to happen now...It seems so crazy the way I was so on edge last time...not knowing what was going to happen and having mini panics about it.  This time around I'm just so ready for it it's not even funny.
Only an infertile understands looking forward to jabbing themselves with needle after needle and growing ovaries the size of grapefruits!

Bring it on I say!
Hell, give me twins...I'm sooooo ready.

Trip canceled

AJ's Grandpa passed today
We just got home from a little hug.cry.laugh.wine powwow at his aunt's house

AJ lost his other Grandpa in the fall of 2010, we drove for two days for it, I was emotional and so was AJ and we never really got to know him...at least I didn't. They live too far away.
But this grandpa we know as Grampy and he lived in town, was at all the family gathering up until last year when he started to go down hill and the altimeters started.

I'm going to miss him, he was always smiling and always making a joke. He's been my Grandpy for the last 8 years too.

So we are staying home this weekend...we still don't know when all the arrangements will be made for so we figured that staying home would be the best bet.  I really don't feel like being without family anyways.

I have been trying for the last few weeks to think of what to type...

Nothing's been happening.  I'm waiting for another period and I have another calendar appointment the first week of October....so waiting.

But while I wait, BEER!
AJ and I are off this weekend for a weekend away, we need it and it's our anniversary one week from today. So weekend away and Oktoberfest!
I stopped taking my Metformin for the week so I can have some tasty German ale, I'll start it again on Monday so no biggie.

This weekend away might be just what I need to be ready to begin an new IVF round.

I also stepped on the scale to see how my first round of workout and diet has gone...and it said 40lbs...now I either lost a ton of invisible pounds or my scale is broken.  I'm going with broken.