Monday, April 16, 2012

A bad weekend and a fill in the blanks

This last weekend was a hard one.
AJ made plans to go out with friends to the local bar crawl...I didn't go because 1. I hate bars 2. I can't drink 3. I wasn't going to be the ONLY person there not drinking, that's not fun for me.
This made me feel so left out and when I talked to him about it he didn't care or change his plans to accommodate me. He then came home SHIT CANNED.
Enter a very sad and pissed off me.
That was Saturday.
Sunday I had a bridal shower for one of AJ's cousins. Figured that seeing as it's a bridal shower I would be safe...NOPE.
Newborns. Twins. Girls.
No matter where I was in the room I had one by me and one in sight.
I get home to a verrrry hung over husband, who I'm still very pissed at...= shitty Sunday.

Top all that with the fact that I'm in pain from this stupid cyst. ALL. THE. TIME.
I can't bend in half, I can't stand all the way up.  It's fantastic.
Dr. said there is nothing to be done about it. Woo Hoo.


I stole this from a blanket to keep. Seemed like fun. I need some fun in my life.

If I was a month, I’d be Late October.
If I was a day of the week, I’d be Thursday.
If I was a time of day, I’d be 11pm.
If I was a planet, I’d be Neptune.

If I was a sea animal, I’d be a Sea Turtle.
If I was a direction, I'd be East.
If I was a piece of furniture, I'd be a Swing (front porch swing).
If I was a liquid, I’d be Honey.
If I was a gemstone, I’d be Lace Agate.
If I was a tree, I’d be a Willow.
If I was a tool, I’d be a Sonic Screwdriver (nerd!).
If I was a flower, I’d be a Dandelion.

If I was a type of weather, I’d be a Thunderstorm.
If I was a musical instrument, I’d be Saxophone.
If I was a color, I’d be Eggplant.
If I was an emotion, I’d be Anxiousness.
If I was a fruit, I’d be an Pear.
If I was a sound, I’d be Rain on the Roof.

If I was an element, I’d be Wind.
If I was a car, I’d be a Jeep.
If I was a food I would be Mashed Potatoes.
If I was a place, I’d be a Movie Theater.

If I was a material, I'd be Yoga.
If I was a taste, I'd be Sweet.
If I was a scent, I’d be Eucalyptus.

Monday, April 9, 2012

Anyone want my Easter gift???

Went in this afternoon for my baseline ultrasound only to hear "take the month off"

Seems I have more than just leftover ham.

A 15cm leftover on my left side. Wonder if that's what's causing the pain in my left hip???
Dr said it happens about 30% of the time.

So now we are having a forced month off. To top that off if things don't fall just right we will have to take May off too.  We booked a vacation mid May, knowing that we may have to just take that month off...but by then we might have needed a break.
The good part is I don't have to make the hr trip next month for a baseline, just call on CD1 and they will order more meds for me.

I just feel like I'm in tar...stuck and unable to move forward.

On a side note I had a FANTASTIC Easter.  Ended up hosting a brunch yesterday for 14 people and loved every minuet of it.

Friday, April 6, 2012

Somehow I just knew.

Somewhere deep down I knew this first IUI wouldn't work.
I woke up at 5:30 with killer cramps and Aunt Flow was there to say good morning with full gusto.
I called my mom and then my RE. I'm going in for my baseline Monday afternoon (I can't skip my morning class).
I can't bring myself to tell AJ.
He called yesterday on his lunch just to see what the pee stick said...he sounded so disappointed when I told him it was negative. He even asked if I was joking, telling him it was negative just to tell him it was positive when he gets home. I don't know if I can handle his face when I tell him we have to go through another IUI.
People weren't kidding when they said this IUI shit is emotional. I couldn't help but get all misty eyed on the drive to work this Drive by Incubus! Then again just moments ago reading another blog post. (I love Nat the Fat Rat, she posted yesterday about her struggles)
The strange part was that I didn't cry this morning when I started. I just went back to bed.
I did however dream about me crying...and I mean crying. Balling and inconsolable. When my alarm went off and I got up for the day hit snooze I had a tear rolling down my face. 
Why can't the good dreams come true? Not the ones about nothing but crying and pain.

I feel I need a girls day, filled with painting toes, eating chocolate cake and chick flicks...but I only want it with people who understand...other infertility fighters. The ones who say "I know how you feel" and really do.
I think I may just get a chocolate cake for myself anyways.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

should have waited

I just couldn't help but testing this morning. Just one day early. BFN

I keep trying to tell myself it's still early, and that we could still get a positive this cycle...
but I'm so full of doubt.
Chuck it up to 2.5 years of trying and failing I guess.

I've been so on edge these last few weeks. I find myself holding in tears all the time.
I've also had the strangest symptoms, constant cramping and sometimes shooting pains in my ovaries. At first I just figured I was ovulating, but now I wonder why it has kept up for 2 weeks.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Kat and the horrible, no good weekend.

I never read those books as a kid, but the title can easily be applied to my weekend.

AJ was in a fraternity in college and this year it turns 100...woot. So they had a big formal dinner shindig think up in the big city.
I dug out my spanks, my one nice dress and the heals I NEVER wear and away we went on the 3hr car ride to the city.  It was a nice ride, Peeta and Katniss kept me company. (I'm re-reading while I wait for the cash-flow to allow me to see it on the big screen)
So we get up there and it's FREEZING.
we were not prepared for temps that low, but we still made the few block trek to AJ's favorite German restaurant. TOTALLY totally worth it, best food I have had in my belly in a long time.
We went back and took a "nap"...and I only use quotes because AJ napped...I on the other hand can't nap unless I'm bad sick.

I feel the need to fill you in on the word...Lions.
The suckers were EVERYWHERE. carpet. pens. paper....the usual...oh no there's more. The wallpaper was covered and the curtains matched the wallpaper, down to the texture design of the wallpaper! and it doesn't stop there! they were on the sheets and the soap and the towels and best of all was the shower curtain! part of me was thinking these 5,692,774,928 lions were going to spring free of their fabric holds and eat me in the night.

anyways back to the weekend.
We get ready and walk to a bar a few blocks over (me freezing because I forgot a sweater/jacket) to have a few drinks with some of AJ's college friends.
In the group I'm one of three women. One just birthed her second child, and continues to talk the entire hour we are there about it. The other, within 2min of arriving announces she is pregnant.
All I keep thinking is how I can't cry in front of these people who have maybe met me once or twice before.
When we finally got back to the hotel for dinner I mad sure to distance myself from them, sitting at the other end of the table.
The diner wasn't that bad, my salmon was actually really really good. Although the desert made me want to jab myself with my fork. 2hrs of speeches, boring speeches.  On top of that they serve German chocolate favorite...but covered in the usual frosting...I'm allergic to coconut.

After we were let free AJ and I went over to congratulate his friend on a recent engagement...big mistake.
Seems people we paying attention to the fact that I wasn't drinking.
Everyone thinks I'm pregnant and keeps asking me.
Stupid Metformin!!!

I spent the remaining 2hrs cornered by the above fiance, I have meet her once before, she was wasted and kept talking about how I just need to relax and how maybe I have just been trying too hard.
I tried to explain, firs nice and then after about an hour and half I finally started getting defensive. Finally I had to tell her I needed to go to the room to take something for my headache. The headache was not a lie.
I found AJ and we finally went up to the room about midnight.

Finally sleep!

The room next door decides that 1am is the perfect time for a house/dance party.
I quickly became the old lady who calls the front desk and has security sent to their room.

Even after that set back I couldn't get to sleep until somewhere around 2am.
The next morning we got up and went to lunch...where I finally got the chocolate cake I deserved. It was delicious. 

Getting home never felt so good.

Oh just so you know Math won the battle...I dropped the class today.  I'm kinda relieved, even though it means that if I want to graduate with a degree instead of a certificate I will need to take another math class. Oh well hopefully by then I'll have a baby and I can use their cute little toes to help me count if I need it.