...

I'm having a hard time figuring out what to post...
I just don't know what to say, I'm still in a state of sadness and loss.

I think my mother said it best when she stated that she felt as if I had suffered a miscarriage.

because when you think about it they tell you "you're pregnant until proven otherwise" and you go home and act pregnant.
It's impossible not to think about that baby, or babies in your belly...because there are embryos in there.
You make lists of names
You look at baby room decorations
You think of how to tell people you are finally going to have a baby
You make the embabies your phone background so you can see them all the time
You can't stop...you just can't help it

and then they call and you're no longer "pregnant", that your BETAs failed, that it didn't work
So yes, my mom was right
I feel like I have lost one, possibly two, children.
The massively heavy period doesn't help either. (thanks to the steroid!)

and I'm still sad, I'm wondering when that will end...or if it ever will.


I have an appointment with my RE in the morning, I'll post our plan for what we plan to do next tomorrow night.