Trip canceled

AJ's Grandpa passed today
We just got home from a little hug.cry.laugh.wine powwow at his aunt's house

AJ lost his other Grandpa in the fall of 2010, we drove for two days for it, I was emotional and so was AJ and we never really got to know him...at least I didn't. They live too far away.
But this grandpa we know as Grampy and he lived in town, was at all the family gathering up until last year when he started to go down hill and the altimeters started.

I'm going to miss him, he was always smiling and always making a joke. He's been my Grandpy for the last 8 years too.

So we are staying home this weekend...we still don't know when all the arrangements will be made for so we figured that staying home would be the best bet.  I really don't feel like being without family anyways.

I have been trying for the last few weeks to think of what to type...

Nothing's been happening.  I'm waiting for another period and I have another calendar appointment the first week of October....so waiting.

But while I wait, BEER!
AJ and I are off this weekend for a weekend away, we need it and it's our anniversary one week from today. So weekend away and Oktoberfest!
I stopped taking my Metformin for the week so I can have some tasty German ale, I'll start it again on Monday so no biggie.

This weekend away might be just what I need to be ready to begin an new IVF round.

I also stepped on the scale to see how my first round of workout and diet has gone...and it said 40lbs...now I either lost a ton of invisible pounds or my scale is broken.  I'm going with broken.

my nerd is showing, but it's encouraging!

I love the Batman...and I have always loved this part of Batman Begins.  I have used this in everyday life many times...most people just look at me like I'm crazy and ask me who Bruce is, but I don't care. I wave my nerd flag proudly.

Talk with RE, family and weight loss...aka Kat talks too much.

I just got back from my appointment with Dr. H, and as I suspected we are in the November IVF group, we just need to make a down payment to hold our spot.

We had a good talk, but my skater-brain forgot to ask about acupuncture...I plan on emailing him about it. He explained a lot about the kind of eggs they retrieved from me and expressed that he would like to see the eggs retrieved next time to have a much higher estrogen level...last time they were at 828, he said he would like to see a 2 in front of that, so I'm getting higher levels of the Lupron.

I'm kinda glad we missed the October group, it gives me some time to process throught this last IVF.
I need the time to get back to who I am without being whisked back into a medicated me.
I feel like this cycle is still in the fail process, because I'm still having a period. I need that to stop and then I think I can move on to "getting over" the loss. I'm still sad and I still find myself crying over little things...I think jumping back into another IVF my hinder my sanity. I'm a very emotional person, I need my time to be emotional and use it to heal.

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We had AJ's family reunion this weekend, and let me just say what strange people his dad's family is!
I spent the majority of the time there talking to his cousin. They just started seeing a RE, and just happened to start with Dr. H too. He's starting them out with medicated IUI, and I had to talk her out of a panic about that. Her OBGYN had done 2 un-medicated IUIs already and as she was seeing it she should be done with the IUI process. She was wanting to just call and say put us in the IVF group. I told her she should give the medicated ones a try and assured her that her body needed the chance to succeed with the medication.  I promised her I was there for any questions...crazy and not...and that I was there for her for anything.

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Operation drop 20lbs begins tomorrow!
Why not today you ask?
Because I'm stuck at school all night...and I was running too late this morning and for got my stuff for the gym.
So tomorrow morning I'm getting up and going for a walk, then I plan to have a healthy breakfast and clean the house (because having almost 30 people in my house eating has left it a bit messy) and then maybe a smoothie for lunch and some yoga in the afternoon and chilli for dinner.  See I wrote it all out so it has to happen!
Wednesday will begin the gym time! I'm lucky enough that my community college has a free gym for students and staff! Since I work Monday, Wednesday and Friday I figured I could just get there an hr early and go to the gym before work then use my Tuesdays and Thursdays for walking at home and doing yoga...and maybe some house work too.
I'm going to make smoothies a big part of this plan, they seem to fill me up, which is good because I'm a snacker. I have already cut a huge amount of sugar out of my diet, due to the way my stomach reacts while on Metformin, but I would love to cut it out completely.  This may be hard when it comes to coffee, seeing as I can't have any of the fake sugars without getting a migraine! But I think if I just back off a little at a time with my coffee I can get use to it...it worked with tea!


Wow this post is getting long, if you made it to the end I should send you the last remaining cup cake from the party this weekend....go ahead and fight amongst yourselves for it and let me know who wins!

Skipping the party and some ramblings.

I decided lastnight that I just can't handle being around someone pregnant just yet.
It was confirmed this morning when I was sitting in the car waiting for AJ to run in the store and pick up chicken for the family reunion and a pregnant lady carrying cupcakes walked in front of our car and I started crying.
So for my own sanity...and that of my pregnant friend, because I really don't want her to feel bad...I'm staying home.
I plan to fill my evening with prepping for the bridal shower I'm hosting tomorrow afternoon. Baking...baking and more baking!
And Doctor Who...new Doctor Who is on tonight! Dinosaurs on a Spaceship...Hell Yeah!

I think I'm going to make a new tab for weight loss, I'm thinking posting pictures might kick my butt into motion.

I have to shoot two video news stories for class on Monday night...I have had two weeks to think of topics and get interviews and footage...
I have no clue what to shoot or any kind of topics...
To tell the truth I have no motivation to care about that class. I'm pretty sure I would chop off my foot and trade it if I could not take the class and still graduate in May.
I love the teacher, and really learning cool tricks to edit videos is all good...but when it comes to having to come up with my own ideas and go out and shoot the footage, well I would rather toto the dentist!(and novicane doesn't work on me, so you can guess how much I hate the dentist)

I have had this want/dream/desire toone day own my own coffee shop/bakery...and while falling asleep last night THE best name just came to me. I mean it's just perfect...so who wants to loan me the start up money?!? I promise I'm a good baker, I even have my irish great grandmother's recipes!

I live behind ( back yard to back yard) from a house that should have their children taken away...as I type there are two small children playing on a swing set with NOONE watching them! There are NEVER any parents watching them. Most of the time it's 8 kids on the trampoline and no adults anywhere. The kids range from age 2 to age 10.  AJ and I think there is more than one family living in the house...
Now I don't mean to sound snobby, but we live in a very nice neighborhood. Our old neighborhood had multi-families in one house and we didn't think much of it, but here it's almost shocking.
Not to mention kids on a squeeky trampoline at 7am is enough to make you crazy.

Ok I'm done rambling...and I have cupcakes to make.

looks like November

So I just jumped on my clinic's website...
ya know just to nose around and be depressed about all the success stories.

And I happened to notice the IVF schedule.
Aug 13  Sept 10  Oct 8  Nov 5  Dec 3 
Our first attempt was the Aug 13 group (they put us in a "group" so they are only crazy busy and only have to bring in the anesthesiologist one week out of the month)
With the medicine schedule being about a month or more it looks like I won't be in the Oct group...witch means I get to jab myself with a needle for my birthday! in Nov.  Happy 31!

I'm choosing to look at this as a positive thing.
Because I need to be more positive.
I'm going to use this "time off" between IVFs as a make me better time.

I'm going to start yoga.
I'm going on a diet...not an insane one just an eat better one.
I'm going to drop 20lbs before another IVF.
I'm going to go to Church more (because I miss it)
I'm going to look into acupuncture (on my list of things to ask Dr H about on Monday) 
I'm going to finally start my business (which means quit being a chicken and launch the website)

most of all
I need to start feeling less sad.
I know that's crazy to say, but I believe that God put me through this for a reason.
I need to use this loss/failed IVF as a way to grow.
Yes I'm sad, and I always will be, but maybe God wasn't ready for me to be pregnant yet.
Those embabies could have ended up with devastating illness, or I might have not been in the health to survive childbirth...
I know it sounds like I've gone coo coo
but it's the things like that going through my head that help me get through this.

moved back...again!

I got a phone call this morning and my RE had an emergency this morning and had surgery this afternoon.
So my appointment got pushed back to Monday at 11...
then I get to rush back to make it to work and class! (woot woot)

I am however thankful that I have the busiest weekends ever!
Saturday- Family Reunion and Football tailgating party
Sunday- my insane ass is hosting a bridal shower at my house...as of today the number of people attending is at 27...27...who else thinks I'm nuts!?!
oh and did I fail to mention that the bride's mother is literally nut house crazy? and 90% of the guests are large large  people who I'm afraid are going to break my couches...yeah, I know that sounds bad, but it's sadly true. (the bride's fiance has already broken my coffee table by sitting on it and gouged a mark in my wood floor by simply scooting a chair back)
Let's all pray I survive the weekend.

I also forgot to mention that the hostess of the Football party is 4 months pregnant.
I may cry, or get shit canned drunk....or both. Fun times!

...

I'm having a hard time figuring out what to post...
I just don't know what to say, I'm still in a state of sadness and loss.

I think my mother said it best when she stated that she felt as if I had suffered a miscarriage.

because when you think about it they tell you "you're pregnant until proven otherwise" and you go home and act pregnant.
It's impossible not to think about that baby, or babies in your belly...because there are embryos in there.
You make lists of names
You look at baby room decorations
You think of how to tell people you are finally going to have a baby
You make the embabies your phone background so you can see them all the time
You can't stop...you just can't help it

and then they call and you're no longer "pregnant", that your BETAs failed, that it didn't work
So yes, my mom was right
I feel like I have lost one, possibly two, children.
The massively heavy period doesn't help either. (thanks to the steroid!)

and I'm still sad, I'm wondering when that will end...or if it ever will.


I have an appointment with my RE in the morning, I'll post our plan for what we plan to do next tomorrow night.