It's National Infertility Awareness week...but you knew that.
It's my first, well kinda first. It's my first since I've had a blog and since I've been labeled as infertile.
So to kick off the week I'm busting a myth from resolve.org
Myth: A higher-power is telling you that you should not be a parent.
My mom has told me many times that it will happen for us when God wants it to happen.
My grandmother told that in order to get pregnant AJ and I needed to ask for forgiveness for every past partner we have had. (that was one awkward convo let me tell you!)
Now I believe in God, and I don't want this to turn into a religion battle, but that's just Bull!
AJ and I have been together for 7years and married almost 2. I'm pretty sure that if God didn't want us to have kids than he wouldn't have let us stay together for so long...being two people that are basically, for lack of better word, in love with kids.
Case in point, we spent a solid hour playing outside, in the crappy weather, with 3 little ones this afternoon. If I can't find AJ at a family function all I have to do is find the kids and he's there too.
We are financially ready, we are emotionally ready, in fact we are beyond ready.
There is nothing, besides infertility, standing in the way of us having children.
Want something other than my reasoning...
Then I ask you why a higher power will choose to take an unborn child away form anyone?
What kind of higher power would allow junkies to have all the babies while good people are left with years of pain and suffering with out children?
Again I say BULL!
I hate ignorant people!
I have never in my life told anyone that God/higher power is the reason for their suffering.
I would liken it to telling someone dying of cancer that God/higher power just didn't think they should live.
It's hard to say if round two was better or not.
On one hand I didn't puke my socks up, but I did feel like I could at any moment.
I noticed that I was fighting a stronger emotional battle, and man was it rough waters...I wasn't sure my boat was going to stay afloat. I snapped at so many people. Most of them didn't know what I was going through so it was hard to apologize.
All I can keep thinking is "if this round doesn't work they are going to want to up the dosage"...I don't know if I can handle that, emotionally or physically. I'm so tired.
I also have a heaviness in my chest. I feel like I can't get a good inhale.
For a claustrophobic person...that's not good. I keep fighting off anxiety attacks. All the while trying to seem like I'm not.
All week I keep telling myself that if we don't get pregnant this cycle that it's ok, I'll be able to have fun in Vegas next month, it's what I told myself before we went to New Orleans in November...the sad part was that the whole time I was drinking on Bourbon St all I could think was that I would rather be pregnant...and I'm not really a drinker.
Maybe it's just day 5 of Femara and I'm weepy....
but today was the first time I've wanted to cuss infertility out.
I want to scream and cry and punch.
I need a punching bag, with a duct tape label "infertility"
I love my mom.
She is coming to my rescue on Friday by boiling all the eggs (for the 2dozen deviled eggs I have to make for AJ's family Easter dinner) and then she's going to come over and spend the afternoon helping me make them and putting things together for the craft show.
Sometimes she drives me coo coo, but then again sometimes she does things that totally redeems her annoying factor.
I'm almost done with the blog/website for the business...when I do I'll link you to it. That way you can see what (besides school) has been keeping me from blogging like I want.
This year I feel lucky to have great blogs/friends to read and find comfort in. It makes me feel like I'm not so alone.
Still I can't help but feel like I'm starting all over again.
I'm highly stressed this month too, which is a bag full of fun right there.
It's the end of the semester, so I have 3 major projects to do...one of witch I have a partner...a partner who is leaving the state Tuesday and returning Saturday. It's a video project and the only time the videos can be filmed is...you guessed it...next week. I came up with the topic...it's my camera shooting the whole thing, and while I'm tooting my own horn, I'm going to be the one with the mad editing skills. Looks like I'm flying solo on that one! Woo Freekin Hoo.
And then there is the craft show. I had to sign up...it was FREE. You can't wave anything FREE in front of my face without me giving in...I'm a sucker. I know it.
Let's not even get started on Easter. AJ's family is way prepared. I was emailed a month in advance about dinner plans and asked to bring something. His mom's family never changes....it's a holiday, we have dinner at 4:30...be there or be an L7 weenie.
My family???? ya I still have no clue what we are doing.
Can I just skip ahead a month....I'll be in Vegas in a month ( LA too!!!).
My voice is gone. I feel like someone took out my vocal cords and played with them...and not nice smooth violin playing...I'm talking Devil Went Down to Georgia.
My sinus are so packed and I'm coughing so HARD.
The worst part/best part is that I'm days away from CD1...or if the Femara worked...knocked up, so I don't want to take anything in fear that I could hinder any little nuggets from sticking.
Good news is that I'm on CD26 and my temp is still above my cover line!
Family was in state from far away and for 5 nights I spent the entire evening and most of the day with a 3month old nicely placed in the crook of my arm. Sadly it took until last night for my 2 year old nephew to completely warm up to AJ and I...I wish we could have more time with them.
I'm going through baby arm withdraw. I need to find someone with a baby I can hold....or keep.
Today it's back to reality
And to top off this crazy week..I have a sinus infection!
I woke up with a fever. My ears are so plugged up i can't hear a freaking thing. My lip is split because I'm sleeping with my mouth open, and best of all my sinus' are so packed that I feel like my head is going to snap off and roll away.
In short, I'm sleepy, warn out, sick and I have so so sooo much to do.