:(

It didn't work
I'm not pregnant.

I just don't even know what to feel at this moment, I'm numb.

I'm to stop all meds (besides Metformin) and take one Dexamethazone on Sunday and one on Tuesday.  Then call the office when I start my period. 
I also have to call on Tuesday and schedule an appointment to sit and have the WTF appointment with Dr. H.


My heart just hurts so bad.

just waiting...

So it takes 20 min to process a stat lab order...I asked before I left this morning.

WHY HAVEN'T THEY CALLED ME YET?!?!?!

Seriously!
I'm calling them if they haven't called me by 1pm.

excited and tarrified

Tomorrow I go for my second BETA
I'm both excited and terrified for the results.
Mostly terrified.

I have waited so long for this and I don't know if I can handle not getting a positive call.
It's why I didn't pee on a stick this morning, last night my "late night pee on a stick" turned out negative.
Now I know that doesn't mean anything and I can still be pregnant, but at this point I can't deal with another negative. Even if it means nothing.

I'm so afraid, so so afraid of a negative result. I almost wish it was already Saturday and it was already over...the happy or the sad.  I just want to know.

I also hate that I have to get the call at work, where AJ won't be with me.  I hate that I have to call him to tell him the results.
Can't life just be perfect?
Oh isn't that just the ultimate IF question?!?

OK I'm back to non-whiny me. Sorry for that. I had a moment.

I have (for about a year now) had the idea to tell my parents by giving them a framed sheet with all the ways to say "grandma" or "grandpa", like in different languages and random nick names.  I wanted to make my brother a sign that states "Being and uncle is even better than being a superhero".
IF has taken that away from me, because I chose to include the people I love the most in this process.  I don't regret this at all, but it's sad that I won't get the surprise element of the announcement.  But still I wouldn't give up the support and prayers for anything.

I think I'm mostly scared because I have had crams (small but still there) and a horrid headache for the last two days.
Now I can't restrain from the google...and I found numerous instances where people still were pregnant and had pms symptoms and had a negative pee stick the day of their second BETA.
I'm trying so so hard to be positive and hopeful
But a girl with cramps and just one pee test might get the 8pm weakness again tonight. 

8am...pm what's the difference?

I mean it's just one little letter right a..p and who makes the rule that you must take a pregnancy test in the morning instead of the evening?


So Beta #1 was this morning...and it's KILLING me that the office knows if I'm really pregnant or not and I don't...stinkin not telling me till the second Beta...WHO DOES THAT TO PEOPLE?!?!

I laid in bed this morning for a solid 15 min in a teeter between peeing on a stick or or not.
I chose not to, and I'm now kicking myself.

So I'm wondering if it matters if I do it now...
I've got the few on hand...what IF women doesn't???

If I don't tonight there is NO way of keeping me from peeing on one. And my mom will be here and she will totally just drive me nuts following me around with a pee stick..."I know ya gotta pee soon".

So I should just do it now?
Yes you say?
ok fine you twisted my arm!
(I'll admit it may have already been a wee bit twisted)


oh and we had Chinese take-out for dinner and I just opened my cookie...
"You need not worry about your future"
score! the cookie thinks I should pee on a stick too!

b-a-n-a-n-a-s

there ya go now you have Gwen Stafani stuck in your head too!

So the night before my transfer my legs decided to spasm around 6:30am. One then the other. 
God love my dad, he stopped on his way to my house and picked me up some bananas, and I ate two that evening after my transfer. By the next day my legs felt better...but still not normal.
See they felt like someone had taken a crank and twisted my calf muscles and left them that way. Tight and almost like I couldn't walk that well. Fun times!
Now I just thought it was because I was a bum for the few days following my retrieval, ya know I didn't go on the nightly dog walks with the hubs and I hadn't been up and down the stairs that much...because when they poke needles through your vag you realllllly feel like running a marathon!
Anyhoo
My mom said that when she and my dad were talking that night he mentioned that he bets my spasms are from the progesterone. He said he remembers my mom getting them when she was on it for when she started menopause.
When I asked the nurse (before my transfer) what I should (or more accurately what I shouldn't do) she said more water...like I could drink any more and not float away! and bananas...and NO heating pads.
 I had my bananas and I drank my water and they went back to normal... 
until the night before last.
Thank God it was just one and not both.

Back to the store for bananas I go!

PS- Beta #1 tomorrow! too bad I don't get the number...they make you wait till Beta#2 to tell you anything....GRRRRR
let's see if I can keep from peeing on things until then.

so I'm hoping it's a good sign

I can't get enough peanut butter...like I have eaten almost 1/2 the jar in the bast 2 days.
By the spoon full.
and I can't stop myself.

Let's hope it's a baby/ies craving some peanut butter!

Holy Goop! Batman!

Warning: TMI post!

So I started my progesterone suppositories last night...along with progesterone in oil shots.

HOLY GOOP!
and...
HOLY HORMONES!

Last night I may have almost killed my husband over the littlest and stupidest thing ever!

Thank goodness I was back to my normal self this morning!  I was just a bit tired and my boobs hurt.
This double dose of progesterone may kill my by the end of next week. That or I may duck tape my boobs because every step I take kills! Now I'm what the men folk would call "stacked"...and I would consider that to be a vast understatement!

Just for giggles - I have a friend that said when I get pregnant he is getting me two unicycles so that I can prop up my ginormous boobs and wheel them around.
I think I may have peed myself when he said that, but to be honest I may need them!


Happy Friday! Hope you all have a fantastic weekend
(I'll be spending mine writing webpages!!!)
{those are sarcastic!!!}