beauty in the breakdown.

I had a breakdown today.
It started with a small argument with AJ and turned into a screaming match.
It was a bit ridiculous really...stupid shit and two verrrrry stressed out people.
It ended with me uncontrollably crying.
Some personal things lead up to the breakdown, but 99% of it was the bottled up stress of dealing with all this infertility crap and the fact that work for AJ at the moment is about the most stressful thing one could imagine.

The long and short of it is simple.
The one and only thing I have ever wanted to be is a mother.
I have always wanted to be pregnant twice, I don't know why, I just have.
I always thought I would have one by now, started on the second.
I have no one to talk to about all of this, I have a mother and grandmother and aunt who keep saying things like "you will get pregnant when God want's you to be" "just relax" and "well we will be praying for you". My mom is just now catching on to how much that hurts to hear and how unrealistic it is. I over heard her on the phone with my grandma the other day, arguing that it's more than just relaxing.

I still don't know if I'm ok yet.
I still feel like I could bust out in tears again and curl up in a ball.
I just don't know how much more I can handle.

having a hard time fighting the feelings of dispair

These last two weeks have been kinda hard.

And it's all the Dr.'s fault. ( I refuse to call her Dr. Girlfriend anymore)

Two weeks ago I went in for a follow up, I had some questions, things like:

• have we ever checked my testosterone levels? ( I have been gaining more dark hairs on my chin over the last two years.)
• why haven't we checked the amount of prolactin, androgen and thyroid stimulating hormone. My temps are low and I have read that it can be because of thyroid problems (which some in my family suffer from)
• Why the need to take a med to make me ovulate when I always get a +opk?
• Why haven’t I had an ultrasound? or endometrial biopsy to test the uterine lining. To find out if the lining is thick enough for a fertilized embryo to implant.

Before I could even say anything, she started in explaining my HSG...the one I had back in FEBRUARY! yeah I think I have figured it all out by now...thanks.

What she said in response to my questions shocked me.

She said they would do another Progesterone test, and I asked if they could check at least my testosterone at the same time due to the every growing number of dark chin hair...she then told me that the only thing I could do about my facial hair was wax it off...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

She then told me that the Femara was to give my ovulation a good "push". Make sure that everything does what it's supposed to. 

Then she told me to stop temping, because it's adding too much stress to me and  I should just relax.

MY  DR. TOLD ME TO JUST RELAX!!! I almost started crying.

She then acted like that was all and started to get up to leave...

I then half yelled "But why haven't we done an ultrasound to check my lining?"

She sat back down and proceed to tell me that my lining changes during my cycle and will be different on each day, so there is no point.

At that point I gave up, why the hell should I keep asking questions when my Dr. can't even act like she cares whether I get pregnant or not? It has been almost 2 years.

AJ and I have decided that we will keep taking the Femara and then after 3 more months(another 5mg month and then two 7.5mg months) we will be referred to a RE. That will put us at almost the 2year mark of TTC. 

And if when we get pregnant I will not be going back to her.

Isn't your Dr. the one you should be able to go to with all your questions and not make you feel stupid for asking them?

On top of all that, I went back for the blood work this last Wednesday (two days ago) and when the nurse was all done she said "we will have this back tomorrow"...did I get a call yesterday? no. and the office is closed on Fridays so I get to wait until Monday. 

Fabulous!

anyways thanks for listing (or shall I say reading) my rant.

Wordless Wednesday: not so wordless

 If you haven't figured it out...I'm a huge Harry Potter fan. HUGE.

I can't believe it's almost over...I literally choke up thinking about it.

I have been doing this all week

 I watched 1&2 on Monday

3&4 on Tuesday

5&6 today

and tomorrow I'll watch 7 part 1 before the midnight showing.

I think it's safe to say that I will be all sorts of puffy eyed on Friday.

 I'm thinking the only remedy may be these...yet again.

 because:

tiny steps forward ( baby steps...if you will)

I called the doctors office yesterday and ended up making another appointment to sit down and talk with Dr. Girlfriend...I hadn't planned on that.
I just called to see about upping the dose of Femara, (which the nurse told me to go ahead and do, tomorrow I'll take 5mg instead of 2.5mg) and also to ask if there is anything else there is we can do to up our chances. Surprise surprise she said there wasn't. She said they usually do 2.5mg for a few months, 5mg for a few months and then 7.5mg for a few months...if that doesn't work a referral to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist) is the next step.
I got news for them, I'm not waiting another 6 months to wait for the referral.  4 more is my limit. I'll do 2 months of 5 and 2 of 7.5, and I will do no more.  That will put us at (almost) 2 years of TTC, and I'm sorry but I think that's a bit long to wait to see a specialist.
I threw a few more questions at the nurse...things about sonograms and lining and such...and apparently that was just too much for her. She felt that I needed an appointment to hash out my questions with Dr. Girlfriend.
That's fine with me...wait till she sees the list of questions to ask. (I'll give that list it's own post...warning: I have an OBSESSION with lists...)

I'm going to give the acupuncturist in town a call in a min. to see what she charges and if she works with ins. and if she needs a referral to be covered under ins....well I'm not looking forward to the call back to the dr's office for that...seeing as she laughed last time I asked about that.
My other(gay) husband called the other night to let me know he finally got his CD in the mail for fertility massage and I can't wait to try that out too.

I also jumped back on the Tea bandwagon. I'm hopping it will help with CM...considering that Femara has all but wiped out any form of fertile CM I had. Green Tea and Red Raspberry Leaf Tea everyday until I O, and I'm going to try realllllllly hard to remember my vit. every day too.

I'm also jumping back into working out. More for health than anything else, but it can't hurt.
I haven't stepped on a scale since January and then I was 203lbs. I dug my scale out last week, because everyone I knew told me (all in one day) that I looked like I had lost some...Holy Crap! 198lbs that's 5lbs lost!
Want to know how I did it???
I stopped drinking pop. I stopped drinking sweet tea. I cut down the amount of sugar I put in my coffee and tea.
No exercise, and I lost 5lbs! Just think of what it will be like when I do exercise!
I've decided to give my self small goals instead of one big number to try to get to.
For example: we are going to Lake of the Ozarks in late August, I want to drop 10lbs more by then. 10 more for AJ's birthday in late Sept. 15 more for mine in Nov. That all equals out to 35lbs by the time we go see a RE and puts me around 160.
I would love to get back to 120lbs, but I know that's a long battle. I think I would be fine around 140-150 if and when I finally get knocked up. I'm short, a whole whopping 5'2", so getting pregnant at 200lbs is bound to make one look like a weeble wobble.


and wow that was a long post! I should throw in a picture for those of you that made it to the end...

Do you know how hard it was NOT to koala-nap that little guy and bring him home with me?!?! 

I want one so bad!

unwritten law #586

unwritten law #586
The day you start spotting/CD1 is the day you will see at least 3 pregnant people and at least 2 newborns. At least one of each will be "white trash" and cause you instantaneous baby snatching desires.  

since when did CD23=temp drop?

I had to look twice at the thermometer this morning...
from 97.58 to 96.50 at 10dpo (chart is on Charts page)
I should have known, my face looks like a battle zone. I have the hugest zit next to my nose, so big I can feel it when I blink.
 I think I could also eat an entire Asian buffet for lunch and then again for dinner then do it all again tomorrow.
Yeah I thin AF is just around the corner. Which is just in time for the 4th of July pool party! splendid.

Oh by the way Happy Canada Day!
Last year I was in Canada (British Columbia) and LOVING it. Man I could up and move to the Pacific Northwest and not bat an eyelash.