Best IVF aid ever...well I think so

See I told you that color coded calendar was ugly!

So I told you before that my mom gave me that amazing pillbox! (don't you just love purple and blue together??? no? just me? ok) Well I was having a bit of a problem the first few days with which little pill box was the one to take.  So enter the white board marker!!!!

I put the date on the top and then if I have an injection I also put it on there too!  I erase the info just after I take the meds, that way I don't get further confused. Then on Saturday night I remark and refill!
The L-5 is for Lupron 5units.  Since none of my injections begin with the same letters I decided shorthand was best...it's a small space!

Now when I get up in the morning and go down to take my meds (6am!) I don't really have to think about it or try to make heads or tails of the psychedelic calendar, I just open the pill box and check what I have marked on top.
And since my meds need to be on the cold side, I have it all set up on our kitchen table, (I move it if we have company) that way I can stop at the fridge, grab my meds (out of their home in the bottom drawer) chug some OJ and shoot up!

You guys may think I'm crazy to be so excited about a pillbox and a marker...but it's the small things in life people!  I have reduced my confusion in the am AND shaved about 5min of my morning routine!

To help matters more I have all my drugs (those not in the fridge) and their needles in a big box just behind this set up on my kitchen table. It makes for easy reloading of the pillbox. My sharps container is in front of the box and next to that is a little box of the exact amount of needles and alcohol wipes needed for my Lupron...and when the Menopur gets added to the routine I'll add another little box...the Follistim needle caps I'll put in a little box too.  Everything in it's own little place!

I totally admit to the OCD...without shame.  I am nothing without organization and note taking!

tiny steps forward ( baby steps...if you will)

I called the doctors office yesterday and ended up making another appointment to sit down and talk with Dr. Girlfriend...I hadn't planned on that.
I just called to see about upping the dose of Femara, (which the nurse told me to go ahead and do, tomorrow I'll take 5mg instead of 2.5mg) and also to ask if there is anything else there is we can do to up our chances. Surprise surprise she said there wasn't. She said they usually do 2.5mg for a few months, 5mg for a few months and then 7.5mg for a few months...if that doesn't work a referral to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist) is the next step.
I got news for them, I'm not waiting another 6 months to wait for the referral.  4 more is my limit. I'll do 2 months of 5 and 2 of 7.5, and I will do no more.  That will put us at (almost) 2 years of TTC, and I'm sorry but I think that's a bit long to wait to see a specialist.
I threw a few more questions at the nurse...things about sonograms and lining and such...and apparently that was just too much for her. She felt that I needed an appointment to hash out my questions with Dr. Girlfriend.
That's fine with me...wait till she sees the list of questions to ask. (I'll give that list it's own post...warning: I have an OBSESSION with lists...)

I'm going to give the acupuncturist in town a call in a min. to see what she charges and if she works with ins. and if she needs a referral to be covered under ins....well I'm not looking forward to the call back to the dr's office for that...seeing as she laughed last time I asked about that.
My other(gay) husband called the other night to let me know he finally got his CD in the mail for fertility massage and I can't wait to try that out too.

I also jumped back on the Tea bandwagon. I'm hopping it will help with CM...considering that Femara has all but wiped out any form of fertile CM I had. Green Tea and Red Raspberry Leaf Tea everyday until I O, and I'm going to try realllllllly hard to remember my vit. every day too.

I'm also jumping back into working out. More for health than anything else, but it can't hurt.
I haven't stepped on a scale since January and then I was 203lbs. I dug my scale out last week, because everyone I knew told me (all in one day) that I looked like I had lost some...Holy Crap! 198lbs that's 5lbs lost!
Want to know how I did it???
I stopped drinking pop. I stopped drinking sweet tea. I cut down the amount of sugar I put in my coffee and tea.
No exercise, and I lost 5lbs! Just think of what it will be like when I do exercise!
I've decided to give my self small goals instead of one big number to try to get to.
For example: we are going to Lake of the Ozarks in late August, I want to drop 10lbs more by then. 10 more for AJ's birthday in late Sept. 15 more for mine in Nov. That all equals out to 35lbs by the time we go see a RE and puts me around 160.
I would love to get back to 120lbs, but I know that's a long battle. I think I would be fine around 140-150 if and when I finally get knocked up. I'm short, a whole whopping 5'2", so getting pregnant at 200lbs is bound to make one look like a weeble wobble.


and wow that was a long post! I should throw in a picture for those of you that made it to the end...

Do you know how hard it was NOT to koala-nap that little guy and bring him home with me?!?! 

I want one so bad!

Femara round 2

It's hard to say if round two was better or not.
On one hand I didn't puke my socks up, but I did feel like I could at any moment.

I noticed that I was fighting a stronger emotional battle, and man was it rough waters...I wasn't sure my boat was going to stay afloat. I snapped at so many people. Most of them didn't know what I was going through so it was hard to apologize.
All I can keep thinking is "if this round doesn't work  they are going to want to up the dosage"...I don't know if I can handle that, emotionally or physically.  I'm so tired.

I also have a heaviness in my chest. I feel like I can't get a good inhale.
For a claustrophobic person...that's not good. I keep fighting off anxiety attacks. All the while trying to seem like I'm not.

All week I keep telling myself that if we don't get pregnant this cycle that it's ok, I'll be able to have fun in Vegas next month, it's what I told myself before we went to New Orleans in November...the sad part was that the whole time I was drinking on Bourbon St all I could think was that I would rather be pregnant...and  I'm not really a drinker.

Maybe it's just day 5 of Femara and I'm weepy....
but today was the first time I've wanted to cuss infertility out.
I want to scream and cry and punch.
I need a punching bag, with a duct tape label "infertility"

Femara day four

I puked...
for the first time in like 6 years (I'm not kidding, it's been 6 years)

Totally sucks, but I'm so glad I didn't go to class tonight.

By the way...I completely blame AJ. I told him I couldn't handle the Mexican he mad me eat for dinner.

Femara day one

I've had 3 full caffeinated drinks today...and I don't ever have a full calf anything without becoming a bunny on a jackhammer. After all 3 drinks I felt like I had also downed a handful of sleeping pills. 
Tired...so so tired.
I probably shouldn't have drove.
I'm also so spaced out to the max. Like I'm sitting here but my mind is out on Jupiter or something.
And let's talk about the emotions, the ones that come out of nowhere?!?!
I watched a short clip from the movie Lion King today and balled...it wasn't a sad clip.
I had a headache all day, with what I would call intense flashes. Like a my noggin was going to pop off and roll around on the floor while red and yellow fire crackers spin from my eyes...ya it's graphic, but that's what it felt like. The worst one happened to shine it's ugly head during a 55 question test...it let me get all the way through the multiple choice and then showed it nasty self during the written.
By 8pm I figured I was in the clear, that the fatigue, emotions and headache were all I was going to get stuck with today....
And then on my drive home from class came the heartburn. The kind where you could breathe fire.

I'm so not looking forward to the next 4 days.
But if it gets me a baby or two...

and so it begins

I guess I'm really in this battle with infertility now, seeing as I get to down a little yellow pill (Femara) tomorrow morning (and for the next 4 days).
CD1 and AF showed with full force on Sat. and we took a trip to the pharmacy.
I then proceeded to tell the 5 little yellow pills that they would not under any circumstance were they going to put me through any of the side effects...all of which I already have. I just can't deal with more muscle pain, headaches, upset stomachs, the poops, hot flashes, increased appetite and weight gain (to name a few).
Up until now I kept telling myself that we could do this naturally...
Guess I was lying to myself.

And I'm kinda ok if we get stuck with twins (there's a high rate of multiples),it just means we don't have to go through this crap again.

Fears and Emotions

I'm scared, and I feel like a failure.
We had the "one year of trying and failure" appointment today.  AJ (that's the husband by the way) was embarrassed that he had to sit there and listen to all the "girly" crap, as he put it...he also told me that the room smelled like "a hooha".
I feel like I was put on this planet to be a mother, I always have.  So when a year has passed and still no baby I sit here and have all these conflicting emotions.
But most of all I'm scared, well frightened actually, to get the results of the SA that was turned in today. For AJ and for what it might mean for this journey we are on. I love my husband and in no way want him to feel any less of a man.
Most of all I am very frightened for the HSG that Dr. Girlfriend wants me to do at the beginning of the next cycle. All I can hope is that we get pregnant and I don't have to do it....Don't know what an HSG is? Well let me tell you. It's painful...very. My ute is at the moment in pain just thinking about it.
(want to really know what it is? I'll let WebMD. tell you because I'm not good with all the medical mumbojumbo.)
On top of all this I have to go in for another blood test one week after a +OPK to check my Progesterone. AND she wants me to take Femara next cycle too.
I came home today feeling way overloaded.  Overloaded with emotions and fear. But I would rather know than not know, and be able to move on and hopefully closer to having a baby.