Anyone want my Easter gift???

Went in this afternoon for my baseline ultrasound only to hear "take the month off"

Seems I have more than just leftover ham.

A 15cm leftover on my left side. Wonder if that's what's causing the pain in my left hip???
Dr said it happens about 30% of the time.
Figures.

So now we are having a forced month off. To top that off if things don't fall just right we will have to take May off too.  We booked a vacation mid May, knowing that we may have to just take that month off...but by then we might have needed a break.
The good part is I don't have to make the hr trip next month for a baseline, just call on CD1 and they will order more meds for me.

I just feel like I'm in tar...stuck and unable to move forward.

On a side note I had a FANTASTIC Easter.  Ended up hosting a brunch yesterday for 14 people and loved every minuet of it.

Kat and the horrible, no good weekend.

I never read those books as a kid, but the title can easily be applied to my weekend.

AJ was in a fraternity in college and this year it turns 100...woot. So they had a big formal dinner shindig think up in the big city.
I dug out my spanks, my one nice dress and the heals I NEVER wear and away we went on the 3hr car ride to the city.  It was a nice ride, Peeta and Katniss kept me company. (I'm re-reading while I wait for the cash-flow to allow me to see it on the big screen)
So we get up there and it's FREEZING.
we were not prepared for temps that low, but we still made the few block trek to AJ's favorite German restaurant. TOTALLY totally worth it, best food I have had in my belly in a long time.
We went back and took a "nap"...and I only use quotes because AJ napped...I on the other hand can't nap unless I'm bad sick.

I feel the need to fill you in on the room....one word...Lions.
The suckers were EVERYWHERE. carpet. pens. paper....the usual...oh no there's more. The wallpaper was covered and the curtains matched the wallpaper, down to the texture design of the wallpaper! and it doesn't stop there! they were on the sheets and the soap and the towels and best of all was the shower curtain! part of me was thinking these 5,692,774,928 lions were going to spring free of their fabric holds and eat me in the night.

anyways back to the weekend.
We get ready and walk to a bar a few blocks over (me freezing because I forgot a sweater/jacket) to have a few drinks with some of AJ's college friends.
In the group I'm one of three women. One just birthed her second child, and continues to talk the entire hour we are there about it. The other, within 2min of arriving announces she is pregnant.
All I keep thinking is how I can't cry in front of these people who have maybe met me once or twice before.
When we finally got back to the hotel for dinner I mad sure to distance myself from them, sitting at the other end of the table.
The diner wasn't that bad, my salmon was actually really really good. Although the desert made me want to jab myself with my fork. 2hrs of speeches, boring speeches.  On top of that they serve German chocolate cake...my favorite...but covered in the usual frosting...I'm allergic to coconut.

After we were let free AJ and I went over to congratulate his friend on a recent engagement...big mistake.
Seems people we paying attention to the fact that I wasn't drinking.
Everyone thinks I'm pregnant and keeps asking me.
Stupid Metformin!!!

I spent the remaining 2hrs cornered by the above fiance, I have meet her once before, she was wasted and kept talking about how I just need to relax and how maybe I have just been trying too hard.
I tried to explain, firs nice and then after about an hour and half I finally started getting defensive. Finally I had to tell her I needed to go to the room to take something for my headache. The headache was not a lie.
I found AJ and we finally went up to the room about midnight.

Finally sleep!
hahhahaha

The room next door decides that 1am is the perfect time for a house/dance party.
I quickly became the old lady who calls the front desk and has security sent to their room.

Even after that set back I couldn't get to sleep until somewhere around 2am.
The next morning we got up and went to lunch...where I finally got the chocolate cake I deserved. It was delicious. 

Getting home never felt so good.



Oh just so you know Math won the battle...I dropped the class today.  I'm kinda relieved, even though it means that if I want to graduate with a degree instead of a certificate I will need to take another math class. Oh well hopefully by then I'll have a baby and I can use their cute little toes to help me count if I need it.

having a hard time fighting the feelings of dispair

These last two weeks have been kinda hard.

And it's all the Dr.'s fault. ( I refuse to call her Dr. Girlfriend anymore)

Two weeks ago I went in for a follow up, I had some questions, things like:

• have we ever checked my testosterone levels? ( I have been gaining more dark hairs on my chin over the last two years.)
• why haven't we checked the amount of prolactin, androgen and thyroid stimulating hormone. My temps are low and I have read that it can be because of thyroid problems (which some in my family suffer from)
• Why the need to take a med to make me ovulate when I always get a +opk?
• Why haven’t I had an ultrasound? or endometrial biopsy to test the uterine lining. To find out if the lining is thick enough for a fertilized embryo to implant.

Before I could even say anything, she started in explaining my HSG...the one I had back in FEBRUARY! yeah I think I have figured it all out by now...thanks.

What she said in response to my questions shocked me.

She said they would do another Progesterone test, and I asked if they could check at least my testosterone at the same time due to the every growing number of dark chin hair...she then told me that the only thing I could do about my facial hair was wax it off...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

She then told me that the Femara was to give my ovulation a good "push". Make sure that everything does what it's supposed to. 

Then she told me to stop temping, because it's adding too much stress to me and  I should just relax.

MY  DR. TOLD ME TO JUST RELAX!!! I almost started crying.

She then acted like that was all and started to get up to leave...

I then half yelled "But why haven't we done an ultrasound to check my lining?"

She sat back down and proceed to tell me that my lining changes during my cycle and will be different on each day, so there is no point.

At that point I gave up, why the hell should I keep asking questions when my Dr. can't even act like she cares whether I get pregnant or not? It has been almost 2 years.

AJ and I have decided that we will keep taking the Femara and then after 3 more months(another 5mg month and then two 7.5mg months) we will be referred to a RE. That will put us at almost the 2year mark of TTC. 

And if when we get pregnant I will not be going back to her.

Isn't your Dr. the one you should be able to go to with all your questions and not make you feel stupid for asking them?

On top of all that, I went back for the blood work this last Wednesday (two days ago) and when the nurse was all done she said "we will have this back tomorrow"...did I get a call yesterday? no. and the office is closed on Fridays so I get to wait until Monday. 

Fabulous!

anyways thanks for listing (or shall I say reading) my rant.

I think I'm loosing it

Not in the brain category, or even the sanity...
Hope
It's sad I know, but for the life of me I can't care that we are TTC.
I can't explain it the right way, and that I think is what is bugging me the most.
It's not like I want to take a break TTC, and I guess saying that I can't care isn't true either.

It's like I'm numb.
I think that's why I haven't blogged in a while.
I almost don't want to talk about it, temp or even try anymore.
I don't think my heart can go through much more. I would almost rather take a while off, but AJ is so gung ho about all of it that it's so hard to even think about suggesting it to him.

I just don't know where I stand at the moment.

should I stay or should I go...

I have been battling with myself the last few days. ok month.
This morning the battle heightened to the stage of making a decision, my temp dropped.( but stayed above my cover-line???)
I need to lose weight, bad. Sometimes I wonder if that is why I haven't gotten pregnant yet.

Should I keep going with the Femara and keep going the way we are now or do we take the summer "off" and I try to knock about 30lbs off and start again in August OR do I stay on Femara and we take it easy with TTC and I still try to lose weight. I've also thought about Weight Watchers, but I'm not sure that I would stick to it...I also don't have the money to do it at the moment.
The second option sounds ideal at the moment since we leave on Tuesday for a 10day vacation to Vegas and LA.
The Femara knocks me down for a week, and I really don't want to be a zombie in Vegas. Then the whole OPK battle and smexing for the next week or so would be so hard to do, we are staying with friends and who wants to really do the no pants dance in another person's bed? not this chick.

Either road we take I still plan on looking into acupuncture. I'm also reading a new book.

 

Here is it's Amazon page.

I've heard some good things, and glanced through it I plan on making it my entertainment on the planes. I hope it helps. If anyone has read it please let me know what you think.

I just don't know which path would be the best to take. It kills me to think of not trying, but I just can't take the extra 60lbs I have on me. 

Guhhh why does this have to be so hard?!?!?

I wasn't going to do this...

I was trying to not be the whiny person...
but yesterday was hard.

It was my first mother's day as an infertile. It hurt more than I would have thought it could.
It all started the night before. I was at a bachelorette party, and there was this chick there who was pregnant. She of course didn't go out to the bars with us, but later I found out her story.
She and her husband had problems getting pregnant so they decided to foster home with the hopes of adoption. Their hopes came true and they are now in the process of adopting the little one, but in the process they ended up pregnant. That's not the bad part...
I found out she is upset with being pregnant and doesn't even talk to her belly, they say the pregnancy is going to cost them too much money along with an adoption.
My heart hurt so much for that little baby. How awful is it to not talk to your unborn child...hell sometimes when I'm lonely I talk to my future children.

They yesterday came and I was feeling somewhat ok...until I get a text from a number I don't know wishing me a "Happy Mother's Day!!!"
I wanted to scream and punch and cry, but most of all I wanted it to be true.
I then spent the rest of the day fighting not to cry.

Today I'm 11DPO and I really want to pee on something, but I know I can't handle a -hpt today.

National Infertility Awareness week, bust a myth

It's National Infertility Awareness week...but you knew that.
It's my first, well kinda first. It's my first since I've had a blog and since I've been labeled as infertile.

So to kick off the week I'm busting a myth from resolve.org

Myth: A higher-power is telling you that you should not be a parent.


My mom has told me many times that it will happen for us when God wants it to happen.
My grandmother told that in order to get pregnant AJ and I needed to ask for forgiveness for every past partner we have had. (that was one awkward convo let me tell you!)
Now I believe in God, and I don't want this to turn into a religion battle, but that's just Bull!
AJ and I have been together for 7years and married almost 2. I'm pretty sure that if God didn't want us to have kids than he wouldn't have let us stay together for so long...being two people that are basically, for lack of better word, in love with kids.
Case in point, we spent a solid hour playing outside, in the crappy weather, with 3 little ones this afternoon. If I can't find AJ at a family function all I have to do is find the kids and he's there too.
We are financially ready, we are emotionally ready, in fact we are beyond ready.
There is nothing, besides infertility, standing in the way of us having children.

Want something other than my reasoning...
Then I ask you why a higher power will choose to take an unborn child away form anyone?
What kind of higher power would allow junkies to have all the babies while good people are left with years of pain and suffering with out children?

Again I say BULL!

I hate ignorant people!
I have never in my life told anyone that God/higher power is the reason for their suffering.
I would liken it to telling someone dying of cancer that God/higher power just didn't think they should live.
It's wrong.


ok crazy lady rambling over.


go to http://www.resolve.org/infertility101 and bust your own, it's kinda fun to get so pissed off about something!

Femara round 2

It's hard to say if round two was better or not.
On one hand I didn't puke my socks up, but I did feel like I could at any moment.

I noticed that I was fighting a stronger emotional battle, and man was it rough waters...I wasn't sure my boat was going to stay afloat. I snapped at so many people. Most of them didn't know what I was going through so it was hard to apologize.
All I can keep thinking is "if this round doesn't work  they are going to want to up the dosage"...I don't know if I can handle that, emotionally or physically.  I'm so tired.

I also have a heaviness in my chest. I feel like I can't get a good inhale.
For a claustrophobic person...that's not good. I keep fighting off anxiety attacks. All the while trying to seem like I'm not.

All week I keep telling myself that if we don't get pregnant this cycle that it's ok, I'll be able to have fun in Vegas next month, it's what I told myself before we went to New Orleans in November...the sad part was that the whole time I was drinking on Bourbon St all I could think was that I would rather be pregnant...and  I'm not really a drinker.

Maybe it's just day 5 of Femara and I'm weepy....
but today was the first time I've wanted to cuss infertility out.
I want to scream and cry and punch.
I need a punching bag, with a duct tape label "infertility"