it was pms...I should have known.

I woke up this morning and without being fully awake grabbed my pee cup and headed into the bathroom....
the pee cup got thrown across the bathroom (empty, don't worry)

I called the Dr.'s office, talked to the nurse, scheduled a sit down with Dr. H (the RE) for Monday afternoon.

I want to cry
I need to cry
I can't cry...I just don't have it in me.

I'm frightened about IVF.
I want to spend the next 3 days researching as much as I can, but I don't know where to start.
I think I'll start with the books I have...
After I go get a cheese burger and stop at the store for ice cream.

Somehow I just knew.

Somewhere deep down I knew this first IUI wouldn't work.
I woke up at 5:30 with killer cramps and Aunt Flow was there to say good morning with full gusto.
I called my mom and then my RE. I'm going in for my baseline Monday afternoon (I can't skip my morning class).
I can't bring myself to tell AJ.
He called yesterday on his lunch just to see what the pee stick said...he sounded so disappointed when I told him it was negative. He even asked if I was joking, telling him it was negative just to tell him it was positive when he gets home. I don't know if I can handle his face when I tell him we have to go through another IUI.
People weren't kidding when they said this IUI shit is emotional. I couldn't help but get all misty eyed on the drive to work this morning...to Drive by Incubus! Then again just moments ago reading another blog post. (I love Nat the Fat Rat, she posted yesterday about her struggles)
The strange part was that I didn't cry this morning when I started. I just went back to bed.
I did however dream about me crying...and I mean crying. Balling and inconsolable. When my alarm went off and I got up for the day hit snooze I had a tear rolling down my face. 
Why can't the good dreams come true? Not the ones about nothing but crying and pain.

I feel I need a girls day, filled with painting toes, eating chocolate cake and chick flicks...but I only want it with people who understand...other infertility fighters. The ones who say "I know how you feel" and really do.
I think I may just get a chocolate cake for myself anyways.

unwritten law #586

unwritten law #586
The day you start spotting/CD1 is the day you will see at least 3 pregnant people and at least 2 newborns. At least one of each will be "white trash" and cause you instantaneous baby snatching desires.  

I guess I'm back in the game

Hello CD1
I'm kinda glad it's here, but man did it suck getting up early to temp again.
We are going to keep up with the Femara and opks, but I'm not going to lie...I'm not back in the TTC mood yet.

I'm planning on filling my summer with workouts, diet and organizing my much needed mess of a house.
My first task is out basement bedroom, or as I like to call it "Dungeon of Chaos" at the moment it's being used as a storage when I'm done it will be a beautiful office/craft room for me. I just need to decide what color to paint it.
I also have to figure out school, apparently because I went to school at the same school 10 years ago and I'm now going back to Financial Aid thinks I have used up too many credits. I can't even get a student loan.
So the decision on continuing or not has to be made soon.

I did find an acupuncturist in town, and I'm going to check if my insurance will cover visits.

It's looking like a busy summer on my end.

and so it begins

I guess I'm really in this battle with infertility now, seeing as I get to down a little yellow pill (Femara) tomorrow morning (and for the next 4 days).
CD1 and AF showed with full force on Sat. and we took a trip to the pharmacy.
I then proceeded to tell the 5 little yellow pills that they would not under any circumstance were they going to put me through any of the side effects...all of which I already have. I just can't deal with more muscle pain, headaches, upset stomachs, the poops, hot flashes, increased appetite and weight gain (to name a few).
Up until now I kept telling myself that we could do this naturally...
Guess I was lying to myself.

And I'm kinda ok if we get stuck with twins (there's a high rate of multiples),it just means we don't have to go through this crap again.

Wordless Wednesday: CD1 makes me feel like...