having a hard time fighting the feelings of dispair

These last two weeks have been kinda hard.

And it's all the Dr.'s fault. ( I refuse to call her Dr. Girlfriend anymore)

Two weeks ago I went in for a follow up, I had some questions, things like:

• have we ever checked my testosterone levels? ( I have been gaining more dark hairs on my chin over the last two years.)
• why haven't we checked the amount of prolactin, androgen and thyroid stimulating hormone. My temps are low and I have read that it can be because of thyroid problems (which some in my family suffer from)
• Why the need to take a med to make me ovulate when I always get a +opk?
• Why haven’t I had an ultrasound? or endometrial biopsy to test the uterine lining. To find out if the lining is thick enough for a fertilized embryo to implant.

Before I could even say anything, she started in explaining my HSG...the one I had back in FEBRUARY! yeah I think I have figured it all out by now...thanks.

What she said in response to my questions shocked me.

She said they would do another Progesterone test, and I asked if they could check at least my testosterone at the same time due to the every growing number of dark chin hair...she then told me that the only thing I could do about my facial hair was wax it off...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

She then told me that the Femara was to give my ovulation a good "push". Make sure that everything does what it's supposed to. 

Then she told me to stop temping, because it's adding too much stress to me and  I should just relax.

MY  DR. TOLD ME TO JUST RELAX!!! I almost started crying.

She then acted like that was all and started to get up to leave...

I then half yelled "But why haven't we done an ultrasound to check my lining?"

She sat back down and proceed to tell me that my lining changes during my cycle and will be different on each day, so there is no point.

At that point I gave up, why the hell should I keep asking questions when my Dr. can't even act like she cares whether I get pregnant or not? It has been almost 2 years.

AJ and I have decided that we will keep taking the Femara and then after 3 more months(another 5mg month and then two 7.5mg months) we will be referred to a RE. That will put us at almost the 2year mark of TTC. 

And if when we get pregnant I will not be going back to her.

Isn't your Dr. the one you should be able to go to with all your questions and not make you feel stupid for asking them?

On top of all that, I went back for the blood work this last Wednesday (two days ago) and when the nurse was all done she said "we will have this back tomorrow"...did I get a call yesterday? no. and the office is closed on Fridays so I get to wait until Monday. 

Fabulous!

anyways thanks for listing (or shall I say reading) my rant.

tiny steps forward ( baby steps...if you will)

I called the doctors office yesterday and ended up making another appointment to sit down and talk with Dr. Girlfriend...I hadn't planned on that.
I just called to see about upping the dose of Femara, (which the nurse told me to go ahead and do, tomorrow I'll take 5mg instead of 2.5mg) and also to ask if there is anything else there is we can do to up our chances. Surprise surprise she said there wasn't. She said they usually do 2.5mg for a few months, 5mg for a few months and then 7.5mg for a few months...if that doesn't work a referral to a RE (reproductive endocrinologist) is the next step.
I got news for them, I'm not waiting another 6 months to wait for the referral.  4 more is my limit. I'll do 2 months of 5 and 2 of 7.5, and I will do no more.  That will put us at (almost) 2 years of TTC, and I'm sorry but I think that's a bit long to wait to see a specialist.
I threw a few more questions at the nurse...things about sonograms and lining and such...and apparently that was just too much for her. She felt that I needed an appointment to hash out my questions with Dr. Girlfriend.
That's fine with me...wait till she sees the list of questions to ask. (I'll give that list it's own post...warning: I have an OBSESSION with lists...)

I'm going to give the acupuncturist in town a call in a min. to see what she charges and if she works with ins. and if she needs a referral to be covered under ins....well I'm not looking forward to the call back to the dr's office for that...seeing as she laughed last time I asked about that.
My other(gay) husband called the other night to let me know he finally got his CD in the mail for fertility massage and I can't wait to try that out too.

I also jumped back on the Tea bandwagon. I'm hopping it will help with CM...considering that Femara has all but wiped out any form of fertile CM I had. Green Tea and Red Raspberry Leaf Tea everyday until I O, and I'm going to try realllllllly hard to remember my vit. every day too.

I'm also jumping back into working out. More for health than anything else, but it can't hurt.
I haven't stepped on a scale since January and then I was 203lbs. I dug my scale out last week, because everyone I knew told me (all in one day) that I looked like I had lost some...Holy Crap! 198lbs that's 5lbs lost!
Want to know how I did it???
I stopped drinking pop. I stopped drinking sweet tea. I cut down the amount of sugar I put in my coffee and tea.
No exercise, and I lost 5lbs! Just think of what it will be like when I do exercise!
I've decided to give my self small goals instead of one big number to try to get to.
For example: we are going to Lake of the Ozarks in late August, I want to drop 10lbs more by then. 10 more for AJ's birthday in late Sept. 15 more for mine in Nov. That all equals out to 35lbs by the time we go see a RE and puts me around 160.
I would love to get back to 120lbs, but I know that's a long battle. I think I would be fine around 140-150 if and when I finally get knocked up. I'm short, a whole whopping 5'2", so getting pregnant at 200lbs is bound to make one look like a weeble wobble.


and wow that was a long post! I should throw in a picture for those of you that made it to the end...

Do you know how hard it was NOT to koala-nap that little guy and bring him home with me?!?! 

I want one so bad!

It's most likely not me...and I tipped that scale.

I had my annual appointment yesterday, and got back my progesterone results. Seems all is good in that area too.  She said that with the good results my overies should be working just fine, and that if AJ get's a good report form the Uro/IF specialist than we will move on to the HSG. 
That wasn't the info that had me in tears all the way home though.

It seems that I have let myself get above 200lbs. Granted it's only 3lbs over (and I'm ok with you guys knowing my poundage seeing as you don't really know me) but it was my breaking point. I came home and looked up the carb amounts in almost everything. Starting next week (because I already have the grocery for this week) I will be eating way less carbs.
I'm also going to start using the elliptical that lives in my basement, I think 3 days a week is a good number to start off with. Monday, Wednesday and Friday. I don't have to be anywhere until 10 on those days...Tuesday and Thursday I have to be somewhere by 7:30 and who wants to get up at 5am just to work out. Plus I know me...I won't do it.
I'm setting myself a goal of 10lbs by the end of February, it's a healthy 2lbs a week and also not to outrageously high that I'll be let down.
I think it will be easier if I make small changes at first, bib-lettuce when I would use bread for sandwiches, eggs whites instead of oatmeal for breakfast and smoothies for the afternoon when I get the most hungry. Dinners are going to be the hardest, considering that AJ and I are verrrry picky eaters...and not about the same things.   Dinners kinda scare me...I know meat and potatoes. We have some form of that every night. Guess I'm going to spend the rest of this week looking up low carb dinners...when I'm not doing homework (which is what I have to do now).

Bussy week

This week I claim as Dr. office week...seeing as I will be in one 3 of the 5 days this week.
I got poked with a needle yesterday to check my progesterone,
I have my annual with Dr. Girlfriend on Wednesday (oh joy)
and we have an appointment with the urologist/fertility specialist Friday morning.

I also picked up the report from AJ's SA yesterday, so that we could take it to our appointment on Friday. To me it didn't look that bad. AJ's swimmers had really low numbers,  but that was the only thing that was under the range numbers. Everything else was just on the low end of the number range. And to top it off he confessed that he may not have waited the 48hrs...
I could have beat him when he told me that! Sometimes I think he doesn't care about important things, and it makes me nuts.

I just feel like this is an endless battle that I'm not sure we are going to win. 
I'm  so stressed out, with all this TTC and school and babysitting and not making much money.  I feel like no matter what I do I fail and the worst is I feel like I don't have any time!
There are so soooo many things I want to do and I always seem to get about half way through my todo list and then either it's midnight and I have to chase around a 1 1/2 yrold at 7:30 in the morning or I have class...and when Friday comes around I seem to have the energy to maybe lift my little finger!
The sad thing is I have an online class so my "free time" is used up by that, and I have a feeling that the 30 pictures we have due today is going to be something of a weekly occurrence.
I'm also stressed because only two of my classes have lists of all the things we are doing and when they are due. Which means that I (the list maker and planner to the extreme) can only plan for a week at a time. I don't think you understand the extreme to which I make lists...
I have a notebook that is just for listmaking,
I have them all over the house and have my verrrry own grease board to put todo's on!
I make list's of things to make sure I do in the morning, before I even make a daily list.
I can't do anything without a list.
I think it's because I for get so much.




wow this was one heck of a ramble!

Fears and Emotions

I'm scared, and I feel like a failure.
We had the "one year of trying and failure" appointment today.  AJ (that's the husband by the way) was embarrassed that he had to sit there and listen to all the "girly" crap, as he put it...he also told me that the room smelled like "a hooha".
I feel like I was put on this planet to be a mother, I always have.  So when a year has passed and still no baby I sit here and have all these conflicting emotions.
But most of all I'm scared, well frightened actually, to get the results of the SA that was turned in today. For AJ and for what it might mean for this journey we are on. I love my husband and in no way want him to feel any less of a man.
Most of all I am very frightened for the HSG that Dr. Girlfriend wants me to do at the beginning of the next cycle. All I can hope is that we get pregnant and I don't have to do it....Don't know what an HSG is? Well let me tell you. It's painful...very. My ute is at the moment in pain just thinking about it.
(want to really know what it is? I'll let WebMD. tell you because I'm not good with all the medical mumbojumbo.)
On top of all this I have to go in for another blood test one week after a +OPK to check my Progesterone. AND she wants me to take Femara next cycle too.
I came home today feeling way overloaded.  Overloaded with emotions and fear. But I would rather know than not know, and be able to move on and hopefully closer to having a baby.