a little off topic

I did something today that I didn't think I would do for a long time.
I went out to visit my father's grave.
He died 5 years ago today.
I hadn't spoken to him for 8 years prior to that. So it's been 13 years since I have uttered a word to him...and they were not kind words, but to be fair, neither were his. I was a freshmen in college and he was an adult.
For years I went through custody battles, and horrid court appointed visitations.
He was a mean, manipulative ass. I was only a pawn in the battle to make my mother suffer. He never wanted or loved me.

So today I was driving home from lunch, heading home to study for my final tomorrow morning, and I realized what day it was...as I was sitting at a red light next to the cemetery.  And I turned, drove in and walked up to his site.

And nothing came.
I had nothing to say. I couldn't even make my mind focus.

I was at work when my mother called to tell me he had died, and I cried then.  Sometimes I wonder if it wasn't out of relief.  I hope that doesn't make me a monster.
I cried again at the funeral, but only because AJ started to cry...he said it was because he was sad that I didn't get to have the father/daughter relationship that I deserved to have. If he hadn't cried I know I wouldn't have. Until today I had never gone to visit his site.
The headstone says beloved father...what a freekin joke.

thanks for listening/reading. I know this is an infertility blog...and I do have a regular blog (where people know who I am) but I have never said (or typed) those feelings before. Something about nobody knowing who I really am makes it easier to get these things out.  So thank you for being my therapist.

too much to handle

In the last 2 days (yesterday and today) I have seen 3 pregnancy announcements on the FML site that is facebook.  One included a sonogram...
This morning I had to cover for my co-worker so that she could be there for her daughter-in-law could pop out her second kid.

It's not even Sunday yet.

I'm not sure I'm gonna make it through the weekend with out a break down.  Last year was bad, this year I'm feeling might be worse.

for the boys

amazon

I have to wonder how good this book is, and if it's worth it to get for AJ (the man who won't read a book to save his life)

Has your hubby read anything that's helped him deal with the psycho that you have become due to this infertility battle? 

A bad weekend and a fill in the blanks

This last weekend was a hard one.
AJ made plans to go out with friends to the local bar crawl...I didn't go because 1. I hate bars 2. I can't drink 3. I wasn't going to be the ONLY person there not drinking, that's not fun for me.
This made me feel so left out and when I talked to him about it he didn't care or change his plans to accommodate me. He then came home SHIT CANNED.
Enter a very sad and pissed off me.
That was Saturday.
Sunday I had a bridal shower for one of AJ's cousins. Figured that seeing as it's a bridal shower I would be safe...NOPE.
Newborns. Twins. Girls.
No matter where I was in the room I had one by me and one in sight.
I get home to a verrrry hung over husband, who I'm still very pissed at...= shitty Sunday.

Top all that with the fact that I'm in pain from this stupid cyst. ALL. THE. TIME.
I can't bend in half, I can't stand all the way up.  It's fantastic.
Dr. said there is nothing to be done about it. Woo Hoo.


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I stole this from a blanket to keep. Seemed like fun. I need some fun in my life.

If I was a month, I’d be Late October.
If I was a day of the week, I’d be Thursday.
If I was a time of day, I’d be 11pm.
If I was a planet, I’d be Neptune.

If I was a sea animal, I’d be a Sea Turtle.
If I was a direction, I'd be East.
If I was a piece of furniture, I'd be a Swing (front porch swing).
If I was a liquid, I’d be Honey.
If I was a gemstone, I’d be Lace Agate.
If I was a tree, I’d be a Willow.
If I was a tool, I’d be a Sonic Screwdriver (nerd!).
If I was a flower, I’d be a Dandelion.

If I was a type of weather, I’d be a Thunderstorm.
If I was a musical instrument, I’d be Saxophone.
If I was a color, I’d be Eggplant.
If I was an emotion, I’d be Anxiousness.
If I was a fruit, I’d be an Pear.
If I was a sound, I’d be Rain on the Roof.

If I was an element, I’d be Wind.
If I was a car, I’d be a Jeep.
If I was a food I would be Mashed Potatoes.
If I was a place, I’d be a Movie Theater.

If I was a material, I'd be Yoga.
If I was a taste, I'd be Sweet.
If I was a scent, I’d be Eucalyptus.

Anyone want my Easter gift???

Went in this afternoon for my baseline ultrasound only to hear "take the month off"

Seems I have more than just leftover ham.

A 15cm leftover on my left side. Wonder if that's what's causing the pain in my left hip???
Dr said it happens about 30% of the time.
Figures.

So now we are having a forced month off. To top that off if things don't fall just right we will have to take May off too.  We booked a vacation mid May, knowing that we may have to just take that month off...but by then we might have needed a break.
The good part is I don't have to make the hr trip next month for a baseline, just call on CD1 and they will order more meds for me.

I just feel like I'm in tar...stuck and unable to move forward.

On a side note I had a FANTASTIC Easter.  Ended up hosting a brunch yesterday for 14 people and loved every minuet of it.

Somehow I just knew.

Somewhere deep down I knew this first IUI wouldn't work.
I woke up at 5:30 with killer cramps and Aunt Flow was there to say good morning with full gusto.
I called my mom and then my RE. I'm going in for my baseline Monday afternoon (I can't skip my morning class).
I can't bring myself to tell AJ.
He called yesterday on his lunch just to see what the pee stick said...he sounded so disappointed when I told him it was negative. He even asked if I was joking, telling him it was negative just to tell him it was positive when he gets home. I don't know if I can handle his face when I tell him we have to go through another IUI.
People weren't kidding when they said this IUI shit is emotional. I couldn't help but get all misty eyed on the drive to work this morning...to Drive by Incubus! Then again just moments ago reading another blog post. (I love Nat the Fat Rat, she posted yesterday about her struggles)
The strange part was that I didn't cry this morning when I started. I just went back to bed.
I did however dream about me crying...and I mean crying. Balling and inconsolable. When my alarm went off and I got up for the day hit snooze I had a tear rolling down my face. 
Why can't the good dreams come true? Not the ones about nothing but crying and pain.

I feel I need a girls day, filled with painting toes, eating chocolate cake and chick flicks...but I only want it with people who understand...other infertility fighters. The ones who say "I know how you feel" and really do.
I think I may just get a chocolate cake for myself anyways.

should have waited

I just couldn't help but testing this morning. Just one day early. BFN

I keep trying to tell myself it's still early, and that we could still get a positive this cycle...
but I'm so full of doubt.
Chuck it up to 2.5 years of trying and failing I guess.

I've been so on edge these last few weeks. I find myself holding in tears all the time.
I've also had the strangest symptoms, constant cramping and sometimes shooting pains in my ovaries. At first I just figured I was ovulating, but now I wonder why it has kept up for 2 weeks.