Wordless Wednesday: it must be CD1

and it's only Tuesday...

Sometimes you get a break in the game called Hell Life.

Last weekend and Monday were a bummer to say the least.

1. Friends get-together (and I use the word friends lightly) that is packed full of little kids...who's parents don't watch them...at a lake...which leads to me being depressed and having mild panic attacks at the same time. 
2. Follow that by a family get together where AJ's cousin is about to pop...oh did I mention she cries every day because she is having a boy not a girl...FOR THE LOVE OF GOD JUST BE HAPPY YOU CAN HAVE A BABY YOU STUPID B*!CH. (I feel a bit better now). 
3. Add to all this the fact that my science class on Monday was filled with discussion about evolution...he just kept talking about survival of the fittest..."those that can reproduce will be the most successful and continue on". I almost started crying in class. 

Then Monday night AJ calls and says we are going to dinner. OK no biggie, he does that sometimes. The kicker was he told me we were going to the nicest place in town...we're talking big bucks...
AJ got promoted, and with that came a LARGE raise.
Large...Huge...Ginormous even (please channel your inner pink lion...and exit stage left).

We get to move into a bigger house...a better area.
It doesn't matter if I get a "real job"...I can work for me, do what I want to do, work from home.
and best of all, we can afford all the shit crap that comes with infertility.

There's more.
I know right? how can there be more?

I just found out tonight that instead of the 4 semesters I thought I was going to have to take to finish school (did you get that? confusing enough for you?) well I only have 2 more...5classes to take after this semester. Holy Crap I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Even better, my school changed the way things are done and I now get to take Photography2 and Graphic design or Computer Animation...I can't decide which other one to take.


and it's only Tuesday.
Which has me frightened for the rest of the week.

Wordless Wednesday

That's where I've been for a while...pretend land. If you didn't know pretend land borders the land of breakdown. I can feel myself walking on the border and I'm about to go over.

two weeks is a long time

But I don't need to tell you guys that...we are all masters of the 2ww.
This is a different two weeks though. These last two weeks I have been sitting here stubbornly patiently waiting for the Dr.s office to call back and let me in on the progesterone test I took on 7-27.
I have high hopes (please read with heavy sarcasm) that they will still call to fill me in on their own, but lets get real here...I'm the one that is going to have to call.
I'm sorry but this is bull shit.

On another note, I got my craft room together in the past few weeks! It's not decorated yet, but it's totally functional. So I'm at least occupied while I'm waiting for the stupid office to let me know what the heck is going on with my body.

totally not fair

 

If anyone is making babies in my house it should be me.

But isn't he cute?!? There are two of them in there, I'm thinking the other one is in there sleeping...AJ is convinced that it's dead.

Little baby sparrows: please grow up faster and get the hell out of my front door. You may be cute but you poop everywhere and your mom and dad like to swoop at me all the time.  Sincerely Kat.

beauty in the breakdown.

I had a breakdown today.
It started with a small argument with AJ and turned into a screaming match.
It was a bit ridiculous really...stupid shit and two verrrrry stressed out people.
It ended with me uncontrollably crying.
Some personal things lead up to the breakdown, but 99% of it was the bottled up stress of dealing with all this infertility crap and the fact that work for AJ at the moment is about the most stressful thing one could imagine.

The long and short of it is simple.
The one and only thing I have ever wanted to be is a mother.
I have always wanted to be pregnant twice, I don't know why, I just have.
I always thought I would have one by now, started on the second.
I have no one to talk to about all of this, I have a mother and grandmother and aunt who keep saying things like "you will get pregnant when God want's you to be" "just relax" and "well we will be praying for you". My mom is just now catching on to how much that hurts to hear and how unrealistic it is. I over heard her on the phone with my grandma the other day, arguing that it's more than just relaxing.

I still don't know if I'm ok yet.
I still feel like I could bust out in tears again and curl up in a ball.
I just don't know how much more I can handle.

having a hard time fighting the feelings of dispair

These last two weeks have been kinda hard.

And it's all the Dr.'s fault. ( I refuse to call her Dr. Girlfriend anymore)

Two weeks ago I went in for a follow up, I had some questions, things like:

• have we ever checked my testosterone levels? ( I have been gaining more dark hairs on my chin over the last two years.)
• why haven't we checked the amount of prolactin, androgen and thyroid stimulating hormone. My temps are low and I have read that it can be because of thyroid problems (which some in my family suffer from)
• Why the need to take a med to make me ovulate when I always get a +opk?
• Why haven’t I had an ultrasound? or endometrial biopsy to test the uterine lining. To find out if the lining is thick enough for a fertilized embryo to implant.

Before I could even say anything, she started in explaining my HSG...the one I had back in FEBRUARY! yeah I think I have figured it all out by now...thanks.

What she said in response to my questions shocked me.

She said they would do another Progesterone test, and I asked if they could check at least my testosterone at the same time due to the every growing number of dark chin hair...she then told me that the only thing I could do about my facial hair was wax it off...ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

She then told me that the Femara was to give my ovulation a good "push". Make sure that everything does what it's supposed to. 

Then she told me to stop temping, because it's adding too much stress to me and  I should just relax.

MY  DR. TOLD ME TO JUST RELAX!!! I almost started crying.

She then acted like that was all and started to get up to leave...

I then half yelled "But why haven't we done an ultrasound to check my lining?"

She sat back down and proceed to tell me that my lining changes during my cycle and will be different on each day, so there is no point.

At that point I gave up, why the hell should I keep asking questions when my Dr. can't even act like she cares whether I get pregnant or not? It has been almost 2 years.

AJ and I have decided that we will keep taking the Femara and then after 3 more months(another 5mg month and then two 7.5mg months) we will be referred to a RE. That will put us at almost the 2year mark of TTC. 

And if when we get pregnant I will not be going back to her.

Isn't your Dr. the one you should be able to go to with all your questions and not make you feel stupid for asking them?

On top of all that, I went back for the blood work this last Wednesday (two days ago) and when the nurse was all done she said "we will have this back tomorrow"...did I get a call yesterday? no. and the office is closed on Fridays so I get to wait until Monday. 

Fabulous!

anyways thanks for listing (or shall I say reading) my rant.